MOTIVATION
Deborah Liverett
Deborah Liverett is a life coach. She helps people who are ready to make changes in their lives determine their steps. You can reach her at LiveLifeCoaching@comcast.net.
Getting Ready…(January 2009)
Getting ready for more significant days requires us to choose different ways of looking at and living our life. If choice is a mental process where we judge between various options and select one of them; then freedom to live the life of our choosing is within each of us. Last month I asked you to meditate on quotes about ‘choice’ to broaden your awareness. This month we will ask ourselves insightful questions and set intentions to help guide us toward any possibility of our choosing.
1) What do you wish would come true in your life?
2) Why do you want this?
3) Where did this wish come from?
4) How would your life change if you got your wish? Does that answer frighten you? Is it a realistic fear?
5) Are you willing to give up everything in your current life to have this new wish come true? Do you have to give it up? What are the compromises?
6) If you choose to stay where you are, can you find peace with that decision?
Thoughtful answers come when we dig deeper than the surface. When you define your root cause you can stand on it firmly and achieve something more meaningful for yourself and others around you. A happier New Year is possible because it’s your life and therefore your choice. — Deborah
Is Money a Motivating Force?
Lack of money can be a motivating force to get some. Lots of money can be a motivating force to keep it coming. Lack of or excess of money are the by products of our deepest and earliest beliefs. My earliest belief was there is never enough money to take care of all my needs. Today I experience money as limitless. How much I have is in direct proportion to how much I believe I can have.
Begin to understand your relationship with money by examining your thoughts:
- What are your first memories about money? Did you hear your parents argue about money? Did you see someone fretting about paying bills versus feeding the family? Did you see people appreciate the experiences money could provide?
- What stories do you tell yourself and others about money? What favorite phrase do you use when people are talking about money – do you say “I can’t keep money in my pocket”; or “When I get money it ain’t never enough”; or “Money comes easily to everyone else”? If you aren’t sure what you say, ask others around you. They will be able to quote you word for word.
- How do you feel about money? Is it a necessary evil in your life? Do you have a love/hate relationship with it? Is money a form of freedom in your life? Are your feelings related in any way to your early memories?
- How do you want to feel about money? Rewrite your script to reflect only what you want. Rephrase sentences that have any negative words such as – no, don’t, or can’t.
Understanding where your beliefs about money stem from gives you the freedom to shift your thinking to ways that support your current desires. You examine the past to help you lay down the beliefs that do not serve you well. That opens up space for you to pick up new ideas for a financial journey of your choosing. Money is a like any other relationship; it comes when it is invited and stays when it is appreciated.
It’s your Life and your Choice, Deborah
What We Need
It’s February and folks around me are buzzing about romance. So here I am sharing insights with Black Men in America and the strong sisters who need you.
- We need you to listen to us with no fear of retaliation.
- We need you to hold on to us providing a safe haven in your arms.
- We need to laugh with you over the silliness that shows up in the world that we each encounter.
- We need you to be fathers to your children.
- We need to hear you refer to us with kind words.
Women have bad days when we aren’t nice to our brothers. Can you see beyond our nonsense to the heart that is begging for unconditional love? Look into our eyes – see the pain that requires healing. I’m not suggesting you can heal us – that’s the work we have to do. I am suggesting you be the “medicine man of the twenty-first century” giving us a new perspective to ponder – your deepest thoughts and feelings. And who will help you with your numerous bad days? Why the strong powerful sister you cared for yesterday because love is reciprocal.
Dear readers as you decide whether or not to share yourself remember it’s your life and your choice.
Happy Valentine’s Day,
Deborah
Saluting the Divine in You
I’m old enough to be tired of establishing New Year resolutions; yet still young enough to have a desire to show up as a better person in this world. I am grateful to my clients for many reasons, the primary being they are mirrors in my life. When I explained to a client recently we are each responsible for our own actions it reminded me to find my own way to becoming a better human being. A quick prayer for guidance and the answer arrived.
There is an ancient Buddhist practice to greet every person you see with a thought “I see the divine in you.” I was ready for the challenge and share with you my diary entries for the first three days of seeing the divine in people all around Chicago, Illinois.
Day One:
I don’t know what to expect. It was harder than I thought to remember to tell everyone. Other meaningless thoughts would creep up. How do I handle crowds of people? I don’t feel any different. Why did I think this was a good idea?
Day Two:
I tried it again. This isn’t a chore; it’s a decision to connect with people on a deeper level. It’s my way of smiling soul to soul. You can’t judge people when you are sending them a truly loving thought. I saw a young woman with purple hair this morning. My normal reaction would be to make a face and judge why in the world would anyone want such a harsh hair color. Saluting the divine in her caused me to remember a time when my hair dresser made a mistake with my own hair color. I was still the same person internally, no matter what I looked like on the outside. Isn’t the character of a person more important than what we see on the outside?
Day Three:
People in this very large city are looking up and smiling at me. I’m sure they don’t know why. But I do – emitting love into the air counteracts fear and loneliness – it is an undeniable energy. I started the workday with a calmer disposition. Minor annoyances fell away easily instead of gelling into a giant headache. I feel joy!
Dear Reader, I see the divine in you. What’s your desire for 2008 and how will you get there? E-mail me at LiveLifeCoaching@comcast.net to discuss where you plan to go.
It’s Your Life and Your Choice, Deborah
Joy
What’s one gift you can give yourself all year long that doesn’t cost a thing? The gift of Joy!
Joy is a spiritual union between life’s unsettling moments and knowing you are divinely protected. Joy understands what is happening around you is real, but it does not define you. Joy isn’t an emotion, it’s a quality that resides in each of us; that ride us through the negative stuff in life. Joy is an energy that allows us to see beyond the problems. It’s a faith in something greater than us. Joy reminds us that we have moved beyond hard times before and survived, often in a better way than we could have imagined.
In my early thirties I moved to a big city where I had a handful of work acquaintances and fewer real friends. After I paid bills I would have no money left for fun activities; which gave me time alone to get to know myself and to define my faith. In those wintry days and nights I found joy began to keep me company. That path to joy happened when I realized our perils are always temporary. No storm lasts forever. In fact, the storm blows over and many of us keep it alive in our thoughts. The decision to keep talking about what happened weighs us down. We are human; therefore we feel sadness, hurt and pain. It is our choice to either stay in those feelings or to find our joy.
1) What makes you smile that has nothing to do with anyone else? Defining your faith and your purpose is a good place to start.
2) Know what you like about yourself and acknowledge what you don’t like. Accept your body shape or your hair loss, to rid the sting it currently gives you. Take that freedom to make new decisions – to cut your hair or to eat fewer potato chips or ice cream – sorry those are probably my vices not yours.
3) Give to another person with no expectation of anything in return. Buy food store gift cards and hand them out to the homeless or volunteer to help a child understand the value of learning. What I have learned is giving with no regard for anything in return is the best form of selfishness because the joy you experience stems from your core.
I wish each and every one of you a joy-filled holiday and New Year. It’s Your Life and Your Choice. Deborah
ATTRACTION
Have you heard the recent buzz about the Law of Attraction? People are asking what is it, am I doing it right and how can I have what I want?
What is it?
Look around. The simplistic answer is your thoughts and emotions attract what you see in your life. We all know people who started out poor and grew up to be financially secure. They believed they could make money and would never be poor again. Money flows toward them naturally; it’s the attraction. Misfortune can also be attracted. A co-worker said she would love to travel, but she can’t afford fabulous trips. She attracts great travel opportunities, but never has enough money to accept the adventure. Even I have been a victim of negative thoughts, years ago I wanted to attend a spiritual retreat, but did not think I could afford the $275 conference fee. The coordinator of the weekend said, “No worries, we find the money for the things we want. In fourteen years since I have not missed a retreat. My thoughts and excitement are clear – I deserve the weekend and the money is always available. We attract good, bad or indifferent to our lives. Positive thoughts and emotions bred positive results.
Am I doing it right?
Only you can answer that question. Are you where you want to be in this moment and are you satisfied with the direction of your life? If the answers are no, dig deeper and analyze your thoughts as they come into your mind. Replace the ones that do not support where you want to go. I have a client that is looking for love. When asked what she does to attract love, she goes into great detail. “It’s hard out there. You know there aren’t any good men. And the ones I might want are with somebody that doesn’t look like you and me.” She had no idea her ability to attract a relationship was being canceled out by her negative thoughts. We are working together to create new beliefs. She now says with great enthusiasm, “I am thankful every day that he is preparing himself to be my great love. He is on his way.” Our thoughts create our reality.
How can I have what I want?
Create two columns on a page. In column one write down something you want to attract. In column two write all your positive thoughts and emotions. Thoughts backed by powerful emotions create an attraction. Discard the negative thoughts as old and tired mistakes that do not attract what you desire. My friend wanted to live in the moment. His life was structured and lacked fun. He was taught that spontaneity equaled irresponsibility. His parents owned their own business and hard work meant food on the table. He wrote four pages examining his thoughts. Today, his thoughts attract at least two unplanned activities a week, new people and enjoyment. Consistent clear thoughts take you to your desires.
I am grateful this Thanksgiving for what I have attracted – the sparkle in my eyes, loving family and work I would do for free. Attract wisely.
It’s your life and your choice. Deborah.
PERSONAL POWER
A favorite friend of mine is struggling. She works extremely hard in Corporate America yet doesn’t get the respect she feels she deserves. She feels stuck in her job because she is the major breadwinner in her family. Her husband and sons depend on her salary and her old school domestic skills – she shops, cooks, cleans and washes clothes for her family. My friend acknowledges on any given day she feels angry, burned out and frustrated because she is providing everything everyone around her needs. She is also confused because she can’t see a viable way to change her circumstances.
She has forgotten how to claim her personal power. That is, she stopped taking responsibility for how she spends her time, money and energy. Instead she takes on obligations for everyone else and negates what is important to her well being. Men and women all over the world are guilty of self neglect every day.
List the things in your life you would like to change.- List the things you do for others because you feel obligated.
- List the reasons why you think you cannot change your circumstances.
As you review your statements label each with the appropriate letter:
Vs are used when your responses sounds like you are a victim. Sample statements may be similar to these examples: “I don’t have a choice.” -Or – “When will I learn no one cares how I feel.”
The goal is to have many more personal power statements. Personal power is you choosing the best actions to create your desires. Personal power is not selfishness because it is your best self allowing those around you to be their best self. You are not seeking approval, you are expecting acceptance.
My friend is dissatisfied with several areas of her life. This is a gift for her, its nature’s way of telling her it’s time to change. I reminded her as I remind you each month, Your Life Your Choice.
Deborah
LOVE and Fear
There are two emotions – -LOVE and fear that we human beings share. Through years of self examination, studying human behavior and coaching others to find their internal light these two emotions are at the root of every issue to be solved.
LOVE is the alpha and omega of emotions. We are born exuding LOVE for ourselves and the people who care for us. As children, we are chastised and begin to worry that we won’t be loved for who we are. That is usually the beginning of our faithful friendship with fear. The rest of our days and nights are spent trying to get the feeling of LOVE back into our lives. LOVE is authentic and fear is synthetic. LOVE frees us and fear paralyzes us.
We have many labels for fear. People are more comfortable acknowledging feelings of jealousy, resentment, judgment, anger or prejudice rather than admitting they have fear.
A dear friend falls in love with women who need him financially. The recipe is: he provides for her and she is so grateful for his love (provision) that she will be with him forever. The underlying fear is he can’t be loved for who he is.
A client struggles in her entrepreneurial ventures. She starts projects with great enthusiasm and yet at the first hiccup she loses interest. The underlying fear is she doesn’t have what it takes to succeed.
A husband of a dear friend hates to see her walk out the door. His jealousy makes him certain that every man she talks to will be the one to take her away from him. The underlying fear is he doesn’t see himself as good enough to be LOVED.
The formula to return to a LOVING life is simple however the execution takes daily work.
- Learn to LOVE yourself with all your bumps and bruises.
- LOVE others without expectation of anything in return.
- Do the kind of work that you LOVE; you become a magnet to people who need what you are offering.
- Ask for help from those you can trust, when you need it.
Your life, your choice… Deborah
Do You Compare You?
Several months ago I met with a recent college graduate for a complimentary coaching session. Meeting with young people for little or no cost is part of my “giving back” to the world. Leslie spent most of our time together calming distress over the job she was in for six months and how it didn’t suit her. She expressed her desire to give back to her community, but she wasn’t volunteering her time to help those who are less fortunate. She was unhappy because her life was not focused on her interests. When her tears started flowing, I was pleased, because we were getting past her excuses and into the heart of Leslie’s issues.
“Take a breath and tell me why you are crying.” I suggested.
“My friends are doing better than me. They have more meaningful jobs. Leslie continued through her sobbing; I hate the decisions I’ve made.”
“How do you know they have better jobs than you?” I asked.
“They’re happier with their jobs, she said between catching her breathe and wiping her eyes.
“Could your friends think you’re basically happy?” I asked.
“Yeah, I guess so.” She said with a shrug.
My grandmother would say ‘You never know what is happening behind closed doors.’ Here’s the deal, every one of us has something to work on at various times in our lives. Comparing where you are with others is a time waster and an energy drainer. Your next door neighbor can have the latest car and the best clothes; that’s just what you see on the surface. You don’t know bill collectors are calling them every other day or that they could be one paycheck away from being homeless. Other people may have a great job and disastrous family relationships which you don’t get to witness.
Focus on taking the steps that will take you to the life you are meant to lead. Your only worthy comparison is to ask, “Am I a better person today than yesterday”?
Your Life Your Choice…Deborah
The need for forgiveness came up repeatedly for my client. Sue explained she was miserable in her current relationship; but didn’t want to give up on the three year old relationship. She had never had a problem walking away from bad relationships with men or women. Her on and off again relationship with Charlie, (let’s call him that, even though his name has been changed to protect his privacy) left her lost and wondering why she could not leave him.
“What was your relationship with your Dad?” I asked.
“I was the apple of my Daddy’s eye until my parent’s divorce. He abandoned me,” she whispered with watering eyes.
I probed deeper, “Hope did you cope with his being gone?”
“I guess, well, I became a good girl. If I’m wonderful surely no man will want to leave me again.”
“Does Charlie want to leave you?”
“That’s the problem. He says he doesn’t but he only wants me around for events with his family or late at night. He isn’t there for me when I need him.”
Charlie, like her Dad was emotionally unavailable. Sue wanted a different result with Charlie than she had with her Daddy – but being agreeable to his whims wasn’t satisfying her need to have a full time relationship. My advice was Sue needed to learn to forgive her Daddy. While her eyes searched my face in disbelief, I made it clear that forgiveness allows you to move forward; it frees you up to accept and release past hurts.
“I wouldn’t know where to begin,” she said.
1. Take deep cleansing breathes letting in your desire to change.
2. List your earliest hurts committed by people under the appropriate headings: Father, Mother, Siblings, Friends, Lovers and Self. Determine the scars and benefits you have received from the painful experiences. Starting with your parents is important because as adults we spend too much time recreating life experiences that give us the opportunity to heal childhood wounds. For example, under the Father heading Sue would list: he abandoned me at age six, after convincing me during my first five years that I was the apple of his eye. His neglect affected my life – making emotionally unavailable men very attractive. The benefit of his abandonment taught me to be an attentive parent; aware that my actions affect my children and their behavior.
3. List the feeling(s) you are experiencing as you feel your way through this process.
4. The next step is to allow yourself to feel all the emotions that come up for you. Feel gratitude for the benefit(s) you gained. You have to also feel the hurt, pain, and disappointments. Your goal is to accept the events and results created by the perceived wrong doing.
Forgiveness is not approval of the behavior you experienced. When you are stuck in “old stuff” – “new stuff” has a hard time getting to you. Remember the words, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Let those words help you to become compassionate and forgive.
Your life, your choice, Deborah.
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Living Drama Free
When life throws a dramatic curve ball that lands me flat on my face I crawl to a mirror, look myself in the eye and verbally remind myself of two things:
- God is a loving and teaching force in my life.
- This too will pass as soon as I learn the lesson(s).
This method of moving beyond drama was developed after a decade of trying to keep the so-called “peace” in relationships that did not honor who I truly wanted to be or what I desired. I lost sight of my own needs and wants and carried a burden of my voice not being heard. I would pretend everything was fine until my son taught me I was not fooling anyone. If I said, “I’m fine” he would say, “No, tell me how you’re really feeling.” He was determined not to let me ignore the lack of enthusiasm behind the mask I was trying to wear. My energy level was zapped and I had lost interest in the activity of fully living.
Struggling in the eye of the divorce storm for two years made it nearly impossible to believe hardships and dramatic battles would pass away. Most nights I felt depleted and sick and tired of being sick and tired. Long term ordeals escalate to remind us what we resist must persist. I had to stop ignoring what is best for me. My hard times did pass away when the lesson became clear that no one other than me has the responsibility to determine how I am to think or feel. Once a lesson is learned the issue disappears. By changing my thinking I put an end to merely existing.
Informing people I was getting out of the drama game was easy when I decided it was no longer a meaningful way to live my life. Some of the people stopped coming around, because I would not engage in their banter. The folks who have stayed friends had to learn new ways to interact with me. The other benefits of living drama free are:
It takes awareness and bravery to change your course in life. In the end, we stand on our integrity and move forward with courage.
It’s your life and your choice, Deborah.
An Unlikely Connection
Strolling down a Chicago south loop sidewalk I met an unconventional angel. He did not have wings. There was no traditional long white gown or getting lost in soft penetrating eyes. I saw him looking at me and decided in that moment to say hello and I just knew sharing a smile with a vagrant would not take anything away from me.
“Excuse me, could you stop for a minute?” he asked.
“I have to get my car out of the parking lot before it closes, what do you need?” I responded, though I wasn’t sure why. This was completely out of character for any savvy big city person.
His hand reached out into the air; he was careful not to touch me. I had no preconceived notion of what he was going to say or how much money he wanted. I took in the depth of his shoe polish black skin. His eyes were clear albeit a little red. The skin on both sides of his nose down to his mouth folded in like heavy pieces of dark worn leather. The follicles on his face where hair once grew were deep large holes. It reminded me of a childhood connect the dots game. He wore big legged jeans, a black t-shirt and a shabby wind breaker, its material so tattered and thin even a mild Chicago wind could blow it into pieces that would fall off his body.
“I just want to say, in all the years I have been out here I have never met anyone who smiled so brightly and said hello to me like you.”
I smiled again and said, “It was my pleasure.”
“Wait, don’t walk away yet. What church do you go to?” He asked.
“Well, it’s non-denominational and I don’t go that often. Again, what do you need?”
He does a black man’s happy church dance there on the sidewalk convincingly as if it’s normal. In truth, I’m so engrossed I don’t notice any people around us. His feet shuffle side to side and up and down as if his body is a pogo stick.
“God is telling me to tell you, everything is going to be fine in your life. Divine Order is at work in your life.” He takes a breath in and lets it out through his teeth. “Oh he’s a good God. He wants me to tell you, not to worry. You are right to believe you are divinely protected.”
I’m stunned by our unlikely connection. I know his message is truly for me because my daily mantra is “I am divinely protected and Divine Order is at work in my life.” What is the probability a beggar on the street would use my exact words unless there is a connection to something bigger than both of us.
A connection helps us to realize there is an invisible force at work that is greater than what you and I can conceive. We have various names for this force God, Allah, Jehovah, to name a few. It’s the power of that force that works throughout our lives, regardless of our awareness. But how sweet it is when we see it and feel it at work in our lives.
By the way, before I walked away my angel asked me for five dollars. I gave him the three singles I had on me because some angels are disguised as human beings.
Judging Others – Is It Destroying You?
If I had one dollar for every New Year resolution I failed to keep I would be a very, very rich woman. We all make them with the best intentions, but intentions without action amounts to nothing. A resolution I made last year, which I actually kept, (although I slip from time to time) was to stop judging others and focus more on the “woman in the mirror”. This simple philosophy has changed the way in which I live and afforded me a peace that is unexplainable.
Research shows that people who judge others do so to make themselves feel better or superior. More times than not those people are pretty miserable or living an unfulfilled life. If you focus on someone else, it tends to take the spotlight off of you. We try to hide from not only others but ourselves. We are too afraid to confront who we really are or what our life has turned out to be.
After I’ve worked all day, picked my child up from school and shuttled her to the activity of the day, cooked dinner, washed clothes, spent quality time with my loved ones and checked e-mail, I find that I don’t have time to focus on what I perceive to be other peoples issues. It takes everything in my power to “take care of me.” What I’ve witnessed is that when you focus on other people you will look up and find that your life is falling apart, because you have decided that it is your job to save people from themselves (never mind that they didn’t ask for your help.) Like all decisions, judging others come with consequences. Take an assessment of your life and answer the following questions:
1. How many times have you judged someone today?
2. Are you happy and fulfilled?
3. Are the majority of the people you surround yourself negative?
4. Have you ever made a mistake and resented others for judging you?
No one can live your life for you but you and no one is with you 100% of the time – but you. There is a lesson in each experience and when you judge others and become involved in their journey, you are not allowing them the opportunity to learn the lesson that could potentially positively impact their lives.
Once you find yourself judging people or circumstances, take a moment and step back. Make a promise to continually strive to overcome the temptation of passing judgment. If you can commit to this resolution, believe me – you will cherish the lesson you learn from the experience.
Quote of the Month: We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by what we think they should do.
Living in the Now
Most of my adult life I spent much of my time asking myself “what’s next?” No matter what I achieved in life, I was always looking for the next best thing. One day I realized that life was passing me by. I was so caught up in the future that I was not enjoying the journey and celebrating the successes.
While in college working on my B.A., I was already wishing for my M.A. While in corporate America I was promoted to Director at a very young age, but I was too busy working on becoming Vice-President. Upon opening my first company, I was already formulating the next million-dollar venture.
Living in the now is about just being. It is a concept that challenges us to be fully present in body, mind and soul.
As you go through your day, try to be aware of what’s going on around you. Listen to every conversation without any expectations or judgments. Take time to notice the color of the sky, the birds chirping, and the children playing. Pay attention to the powerful sound of your breath – knowing that you are alive and have been afforded the opportunity to enjoy another moment. Set aside the worries of what will happen next week, next year or the next day. Spend your energy focusing on the positive and letting go of the negative.
As a new month approaches many of us will make resolutions to lose weight, manage our finances and even finish our education. Why not make a promise to enjoy life, slow down and appreciate the moment. You will find that when you allow yourself to live in the now you will be less stressed which will lead to a more productive life.
Don’t be absent for life, show-up and live in the present. The future is just a thought and the past is history. All we have is this moment………What will you do with it?
Journal Question of the Month
What would you do if you were not afraid?
Quote of the month:
Believe that your determination is larger than any obstacle.
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