Black Men In America

LaDawn Black is the host of The Love Zone on Baltimore’s WERQ.  Black is also the author of Stripped Bare: The 12 Truths That Will Help You Land the Very Best Black Man, February 2006 -One World/Ballantine. More info on LaDawn Black can be found at www.ladawnblack.com.

LaDawn Black can be heard locally on Baltimore’s 92Q -WERQ (92.3FM – where she hosts the number one rated overnight radio relationship advice show, The Love Zone.

Adding A Little Female Charm to Black Men

“LaDawn Black is what Dr. Phil would be if he were a sexy young black woman.” - Toni G., Baltimore, MD

Advice From LaDawn

Dear LaDawn:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years and in that time we have never cheated on each other. We have also been able to build a successful business together. One of the biggest problems we have is that he has a fetish with females’ bootys. There have been a few times when he has been gawking at a girl’s butt and I have found it disrespectful. Now its at a point that he does it and he lies about it. After seeing him do it several times I have reached a conclusion that I don’t want to deal with it at all. I talked to him about it in the past several times, I explained to him how it makes me feel disrespected, it hurts and if I would have known that it would be like this in the beginning, I would not have engaged in this type of a relationship with him, I would have kept him as a friend. He protests that this is a small thing and that I should not be bothered by it and the fact that I am bothered by it is my problem.

We have both invested a lot into our relationship and our business, but I feel like his immature behavior is causing me a great deal of stress which in turn is affecting the business and everything else. He says often (and I know it to be true) that things could always be worse. I tell him, “Should become accustomed to settling for less?”

Please tell me if this is just some psychosis of my own mind, blatant immaturity, disrespect or something that comes along with dating a black man  in Northern California.

Sister:

Let me be really honest with you.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking/gawking/appreciating the human form.  If your man likes to look, let him look because the truth is that you probably get your “look” on when a fine brother crosses your path.  The difference is that you are probably more subtle, your man doesn’t care and doesn’t notice or you don’t discuss your fondness for broad shoulders or sexy lips with him.  Yes, you are being extremely sensitive and to ask the man not to notice other women is simply insanity. There is nothing wrong with looking.  When he tries to get closer to the booty by asking its phone number or following it home – then get concerned.

- L

Hi LaDawn,

I have been dating the same woman for just over 4 yrs (2 yrs as a couple).
Neither of us have children; both are homeowners.   Over the course of this 2 yr period, I decided that she was the one I would marry – and made it known.  We both talk about future plans to be together; how things might be on a daily basis, etc..  I will and have done just about anything for her – handyman, cash till payday, give space to hit the happy hour with her friends, etc..  Also, we are no strangers to each other’s family.  At times I believe she would like to spend more time doing activities with my family than we currently do.  However, it does not seem to be a cause for major problems.  I say all this to say we are very good friends who support each other.

When it comes to lovemaking we fall off big time!  For the last 18 months or so, my discipline has been periodically tested in that along with no lovemaking, there was no solid explanation and just a nonchalant attitude toward addressing the situation.  Often, I would act like a jerk and pout (not a good look for me) to show my disappointment.  The past few months have been much of the same except, I am more cognizant of my reaction to these emotions.  Nowadays, I am suppressing my desires in order to prevent conflict.

Recently, I learn that the pace of the relationship or lack of has contributed to this fall off.  She told me she felt like we were not moving – so I asked, “Ideally, where should this relationship be (or what should it be like) just before marriage?” She replied, “I don’t know.”  Then she’s back to my best friend again.  Even that conversation I had to ask all the questions about why has our love life fell off.

Is this relationship failing and I just can’t see it?  Why do I feel so unfulfilled when I have a good woman at home?  Why do I leave for work from her house – thinking where can I get some?   I am finding it harder to provide all these perks and pleasantries when I too often feel, let down.  Why would a brother want to move forward into marriage with this aspect of the relationship so suspect.  Am I being threatened into marriage – is that legal?  Do we both have too much pride to accommodate each other?  Please help.

-b

B:

Brother I am going to be honest with you.  This sister is backing off of the sex because she has other plans outside of having a relationship with you.  When women are trying to figure out whether or not they should stay in a relationship often the first thing to go is sexual intimacy.  We are wired to be open to a man that we desire and it is hard to be open physically and mentally to a man that we no longer desire.  Now I am not saying that she is seeing someone else.  More than likely it is just a thought process that she is working her way through and it is manifesting itself in being physically distant.

You need to ask her straight up if she is trying to make any hard decisions regarding your relationship.  Let her know that you are interested in having the relationship continue but not in its current passionless form.  Don’t be surprised if a river of her thoughts and feelings comes to the surface as she really lets you know what the whole no sex thing is all about.

- L

LaDawn,

I have been married for six years and it was hell from the very beginning. Everyone tried to discourage me from it, but I was ‘In Love’. I spent a considerable amount of money on our honeymoon so that it would be memorable…it was, because she stopped talking to me.  She wanted to argue and the whole nine.

By nature I am not an argumentative person and I try to avoid confrontations with the people I love. Anyway as time moved on we continue to be like that roller coaster. So finally three years ago I asked for a divorce. She claimed and promised to change. I really wanted it to work and I believed her, so I stayed. We had a little girl who is the greatest treasure I could ever find! Now we have twins and she is starting to do everything she used to. I am truly lost. I grew up with my parents separated and I never wanted that for my kids. Now I feel that I have dragged them into something that could be emotionally and mentally taxing on them.

I have been trying to get transferred to another site, but I know all I am doing is running from the situation.

Like some of your other readers, I could go much more in-depth, but I’m sure you don’t have the time.

Exhausting my soul!

Thank you my queen.

Brother:

What a situation to be in!  It doesn’t seem like there was ever a time where you were happy or peaceful in this relationship. At this point you have to really stop worrying about your mate and really dig deep and decide what is best for you and your children.  Kids know when their parents are unhappy with one another no matter how good of a show you guys are putting on.  And personally the idea of having to play at happiness for the next 20+ years is a huge burden to carry.  Don’t run from the situation by getting a job transfer because you guys will still be together fighting long distance.

It’s time to be an adult and confront the state of your relationship.  Take the time to live apart and see if this feels better.  Agree early on that the kids are a priority and no matter what you guys will do your best to co-parent. True separation and divorce does affect children, but just think how much constant arguing, confusion and contempt is affecting them everyday.  Its time to get real and possibly make a change.

L

Dear LaDawn

I just found your site and it piqued my interest.  Here is my problem.  I have been married for almost 10 years.  During that time maybe a year and a half have been pleasant.  We have a child together (he is almost 8 years old).  This was my first marriage and her 2nd.  Here is a part of the problem.  We clearly discussed what I was looking for in a mate.  I have a strong relationship in Christ and I believe that a man is the head of the household (meaning that I must take ultimate responsibility for my family).  This was something I was quite explicit about before we got married and she agreed to this.  Since then, nothing I have brought up has she agreed to.  She has yet to get any identification in my name even though she still gets mail in her former husbands name.  Once she got our child’s medications and they used her former married name for my child.  I had a fit, but when I brought it up to her she said she didn’t know that that would be such a problem.

I have come home from work and found her with a male co-worker in our home after she told me that they were going to have lunch in a town 30 miles away.  They were shocked when I showed up at my home around 10:30am.  I was doing all of the laundry and cooking.  I was getting only 5 hours of sleep a night.  Again when I brought this up to her, she said she didn’t know that this would be a problem.  She has invited former boyfriends to my mother’s home for barbecues.  Our guests would always ask about her at these outings because she would never come out and mingle with them.  When her old boyfriend showed up we watched in amazement as she ran out of the house and started grilling food for them.  At our son’s last birthday I took him (he’s is disabled) to an amusement park for the first time in his life.  She wouldn’t go.  My cousin came with her children instead.  The next day we went on a ride he had been dying to get on.  She went to that, but immediately left.  When he got strep throat I took him to the doctor and kept him.  She went to the Pocono’s to visit her girlfriend.

I owned a house before we were married, it was supposed to be my first home until I could afford another one.  All we had to pay for was the utilities and the taxes.  She told me that it was too far from her job.  I got her an opportunity to work in the town that I lived in and where the house was and she refused.  I only found out this year that she just didn’t want to live there.  She told her mother and she just told me that she didn’t want to live there because there were too many Hispanics in the area.  Before we were dating she lived with a Hispanic.  I gave up the house to live with her in a 1-bedroom basement apartment that I paid monthly rent for.  There were times when I was so tired after work and returning to the apartment that I almost crashed by falling asleep while driving (her apartment was almost 2 hours away from where I used to live and work).

I gave up my job in my old town and took a $10,000 pay cut because she wanted me to work in the area we live in.  When I brought up her deception she said that I should let the past be the past.  Recently she has been going out on dates with her former boyfriend who is a doctor.  This is the same person her first husband would argue about because she was always with him.  I asked her why didn’t she marry him?  She said that he was too short but he is rich and promises her that he will assist her in her music career.  He has told her this before but has never come through.  I, on the other hand, got her on television and a chance to meet Melba Moore and sing for her.  She used to get mad at me when I wanted to know where she was on Friday evenings.  She told me she always gets her hair done on Fridays.  These dates, which she has admitted to, were on Friday evenings.  There is much more, but suffice it to say that Ministers who know me and my wife, friends and relatives have been telling me for years that she is only interested in herself and I should end this marriage.  To be honest, she has claimed that I am not as intimate with her as I used to be.  I asked her if she remembered when we were intimate?  She admitted that it was when we did things together (prayed, did Bible study together, went to the movies together etc).  Things that I told her I was looking for in a mate before we got married.  She says that I should be more intimate with her.  My feelings of intimacy came from her saying and doing the things I was looking for in a mate.  I wouldn’t have married her if she hadn’t assured me that she was interested in these things.  I even tried to be more intimate with her earlier this year.  In the middle of it she told me to stop because she “wasn’t feeling this.”

LaDawn I will never be intimate with her again until she apologizes for that (she has already laughed that off saying if I really wanted her I would be chasing her).  There is only a year difference in our ages so age isn’t an issue as far as I know.  What would you advise?  If it weren’t for my son and the fact that I have spent every cent I have on keeping this family together, I would be gone by now.  People who know both of us that I am going to go to an early grave if I stay in this marriage have told me.  Also, she is a terrible mother.  Our child has more of a relationship with the baby sitter than with her.  The baby sitter, who is on a fixed income bought our child a birthday gift.  My wife didn’t even get him a birthday card.  He had trouble sleeping and she was giving him medication to make him go to sleep.  I talked with him and made sure he went to bed at an appropriate time and we haven’t had that problem anymore.  Once when our child couldn’t sleep he went into the bedroom with her and she made him leave the bedroom saying that she needed to get her sleep.

I will take your advice into prayerful  consideration.

Thank you for reading this “novel!”

Brother:

Your story is an incredible one filled with disappointment and denial.  I am going to get to the heart of the matter.  The sister is not interested in being a mom or wife.  All of her actions scream wanting to be out of her current situation so that she can be free to pursue her goals.  Nothing in her actions during your marriage show compromise or understanding.  The truth is that you probably should have left her years ago before compromising your finances or exposing your son to her indifference.

It is hard for brothers to understand that there are women who exist who are horrible moms and don’t have a lick of the nurturing gene that most women seem to possess.  Just like there are brothers out there that are better served to be bachelors forever — trust that there are sisters out there who need to always be on their own.  This is the type of sister that you are joined to because even her “ideal doctor brother” is not husband worthy.

What you need to do at this point is sure up what is really important — your son and your financial position so that you can go.  Love can only take a relationship so far and then you have to really look at whether or not you are pleased within a relationship and also whether or not there is any growth.  My guess is you have zeros in both columns.  Now is the time to lean on your family, friends and spiritual community to dissolve this long broken union and get you back on the right path.

- LaDawn

Hey Miss LaDawn,

I might a guy on one of the popular sites on the web. He wrote to me first addressing his interested to meet me in the future. I checked his profile as he may have checked mine. I we’ve been out on a couple of dates even though he lives two hours away from me. Now it’s September and we haven’t spoken in awhile until I found his number on my phone view list. I called this number thinking it was my girlfriend’s number but it was his. He was acting like everything was okay, like we were right where we left off. I asked him if he was playing games, or if he was seeing anyone else, he told me no and I am his baby girl.

LaDawn please help me solve this mystery of this man who seems to be perfect in everyway but there must be something that is holding our relationship back from being official.

Mona, Dover, DE

Sister:

I think I am going to get T-shirts with this statement on it, “If a man really wants you he will be where you are!”  I get these questions all the time from readers and listeners about the disappearing brother or the brother who never seems to have time for you.  The universal truth is that sometimes men change their minds and all of the attention early on in the relationship can go away if he has decided that you are not the woman for him.

Sisters do this disappearing act too.  Just think of the brothers who may not have gotten past one phone call or date with you and how even though they continued to reach out you never responded and you hoped that they would one day get the hint.  Don’t you think brothers do the exact same thing? So, stop chasing this brother.  He is simply being polite when you guys speak.  If he wanted to be with you, you would not be wondering if — you’d know.

- L