WOMEN
Cover Girls
By Terrance Dean Author, Hiding In Hip Hop – On The Down Low in the Entertainment Industry from Music to Hollywood (Atria/Simon & Schuster)
In my book, Hiding In Hip Hop, I talk about something that has been well-known in the industry, COVER GIRLS! You may refer to them as ‘beards,’ but I like to call them COVER GIRLS. Why? Because these women know the role they have to play in being with a down low celebrity in the entertainment business.
You’ve seen or heard of them. They are beautiful, curvaceous, and drop-dead gorgeous. They tend to be former models – print, runway, and lingerie. They can put any woman to shame. And they serve as the perfect cover for a man who is living a double life.
I know because when I worked at MTV in Production Events I often got e-mails and calls from publicists looking to set-up their female clients as dates and arm candy for a male celebrity attending many of our red carpet events. Or, I would get the lists and read the names of the women who were serving as dates for a male celebrity. When I saw the men they were to sashay down the red carpet with, I knew they were COVER GIRLS.
These women know their role. They are to be flirtatious, attentive, and caring to the man they are with. They are to pose seductively next to their down low man. All to give the illusion that the man is somehow a player, a ladies man. It’s to help dispel any rumors about his sexuality, or prevent any from starting.
When I used to live in LA I met many COVER GIRLS. Then I was introduced to many of them who served as girlfriends to rap’s elite. Some COVER GIRLS have been able to parlay their relationships with high profile celebrities into marriages.
I mention COVER GIRLS and the entertainment industry because so many women today are COVER GIRLS and do not even know it. They are in relationships with men who they think are committed to them. These men are deceivers and liars and many women fall for it. They are victims of men who will do anything to keep their cover.
As you are reading your favorite magazine, watching your favorite entertainment news program, or visiting blogs, keep in mind that ninety percent of what you read and see is false. Only ten percent has some truth. The entertainment machine is big, vast, and all about illusions. It’s all about making people believe something that isn’t true. That’s why in my book, Hiding In Hip Hop, I mention Hollywood is all about illusions. You can be anything or anybody you want. And it’s the job of the people who work in this business to make sure you believe that.
In the words of Public Enemy, Don’t Believe The Hype.
www.terrancedean.blogspot.com
www.myspace.com/hidinginhiphop
Sexual Identifiers: Down Low Behaviors
By Terrance Dean
Hiding In Hip Hop – On The Down Low in the Entertainment Industry from Music to Hollywood (Atria/Simon & Schuster) May 2008 – $23.00
Man, I swear that nearly every woman has lost her mind after J.L. King’s book, On The Down Low, dropped a few years ago. It sparked a controversy within the black community, and scared the hell out of black women. And for good reason.
But, down low behavior, is nothing new to the gay community. It was and is something we have always been familiar with – men who sleep with men but have wives and girlfriends.
In actuality I have always slept with other men who had wives or girlfriends. Even when I had girlfriends I had sex with men on the side. Yup, I was confused about my sexuality. Yup, it was wrong to be in relationships with women and not tell them about my sexuality. I struggled to be in a monogamous relationship with a woman. I did have a few serious one-on-one relationships with women hoping that it was my cure, my way of leaving the down low life. I actually write about it in my book, Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria/Simon & Schuster), May 2008.
However, I grew up in the black church and I was forced into learning that homosexuality is a sin. I tried to repress my sexual urges for men, but the more I prayed and denied myself, the more I yearned for the touch and feel of a man. And while the minister yelled and screamed from the pulpit about the sins of man, somehow the act of homosexuality was far much worse than any other sin. I would find out years later, as an adult, that no one sin is greater than the other.
I’ve also learned that there are many more down low men than I knew. I thought I was in a bubble, along with the men I was sleeping with. It was just us, no other men like us, but then an explosion happened and the cover was blown. Down low men were everywhere.
Women often ask me if there is some look, sign, or dress that down low men share to identify one another. Unfortunately, there is not. There is no secret code or word. There is nothing that I can pinpoint as a significant indicator of how down low men identify one another.
However, I can share that there are some things women can do to be aware and conscious of a man they feel is sleeping with another man.
First, down low men are very good deceivers. Better yet, they are exceptional liars. Down low men know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. They can string a woman along and make her feel like she is a queen. But, if you are smart and savvy, you can spot and see through the lies and deception. For example, if your man begins to introduce you to a slew of men, none of whom you never met before, and these new “buddies” never seem to be around after two or three months, then you should start to question these relationships. Ask your man what happened to your man’s new friends and why they never come around. You have a right to raise questions.
Second, a down low man has multiple e-mail accounts, possibly a secondary cell phone, and knows your schedule like clockwork. I’ve been with men who tell me, “My girl is going to be at work this weekend. Let’s hook-up then.” I’ve also been with these men when their woman has called. “Hey baby,” he says. “Yeah, I’m just chilling right now.” I am sitting right next to him while she thinks her man is at home alone.
Ladies, I am not a fan of snooping around, but you have a right to investigate if you suspect him of dipping out on you. When you log onto the computer and you see several different screen names, he’s hiding something from you. If you notice a second cell phone and you don’t have the number for it, he is definitely hiding something from you. But, most importantly, if your gut instincts tell you something is not right, then it probably isn’t. If you accuse him of cheating and sleeping with another man, he will deny it. Trust me, a down low man will never admit to sleeping with another man, especially to his woman. You will have to catch him in the act, and it won’t be easy.
Third, when your man introduces new sexual positions, especially anal sex, and him wanting to have fingers or a dildo inserted inside him, don’t be afraid to ask where he learned or saw this. I am sure he did not wake up one day and decide he wanted to try this. He has been doing this before and, sure, he may be a freak, and into all sorts of kinky things, but you should question these behaviors. Again, this is something I wrote about in my book, Hiding In Hip Hop. Don’t do something you are uncomfortable doing, especially if you have concerns about his sexuality. Your love for him is not based on the type of sex you are willing or not willing to engage in. Love and protect yourself. It’s your body, and your life.
Last, don’t be afraid to speak up and say something. You are more important than you care to think. Having a man in your life is great, but if you have questions, and speculations about his sexuality, new friends, and suspicious lifestyle, then you deserve it to yourself to be careful. Love life and, more importantly, love yourself.
This has been a Terrance Dean advisory for the love and safety of women.
Terrance Dean is the author of Hiding In Hip Hop – On The Down Low in the Entertainment Industry from Music to Hollywood – Atria/Simon & Schuster – May 2008 – $23.00
The wife of an incarcerated man shares her thoughts and an excerpt from her book, “Secrets of an Inmate’s Wife.”
“The voices of the other bus riders faded as exhausted and irritated children fell asleep as well as most of the women. I took out a notebook and pad and began to write a letter to Eric. “Dear Eric, I am on my way to see you and so much is going on in my head and heart. So many emotions I feel like I am about to explode. I look around me and I don’t belong here. Why did you destroy us? What we had was so perfect. I . . ” I ripped up the letter into tiny pieces. I could not go on. It was turning into the hate and bitterness I did not want him to know I was feeling. I closed my eyes and slept the rest of the long ride upstate to Comstock Correctional Facility because I didn’t want to think about anything else. Everything I thought about now seemed complicated and sad because this situation made everything complicated and sad.
It was six o’clock in the morning when the bus driver announced that we would be at the prison in ten minutes. When my eyes adjusted to the morning I looked out of the bus window and there were high mountains everywhere. Just miles and miles of nothing but mountains and it was really an awesome sight. It was beautiful and peaceful and had I not been on a bus going to a correctional facility I would have really been able to enjoy this scenery. But because of the situation, all it made me realize is that my man was truly very far away from the Harlem we both knew and from the apartment we had in Queens where I thought that so many of my dreams would have been fulfilled. As we pulled into the prison parking lot, I gathered up my leather book bag that held my identification, toiletries and the latest book that I was reading.
I got off the bus with the children and all the mothers that were left alone to carry the load after their men went to prison. I thought to myself, so this is what happens when men go to prison and leave women alone. The women lug tired and frustrated children up to the prisons early in the morning and they take their own sex starved lonely bodies up, too. To suffer for a situation they had no control over. A situation they did not help create. Women, always paying a debt they didn’t owe. I stopped and looked up as soon as I got off the bus. Comstock Correctional Facility was an extremely large building. It was ugly too, like all prisons. What could be pretty about gray-cemented walls and barbed wired fences? The wires and the high walls were simply there to keep men in and keep families out.”
Excerpt from “Secrets of an Inmate’s Wife”
African-American male incarceration is constantly on the rise. This creates a rise in the number of women who must become both mother and father to children and many will live in poverty because they cannot take care of their children without financial support from the father. But there is no fighting for child support when the father is incarcerated. There are also many women who will choose to stand by their incarcerated husbands, boyfriends and children’s fathers. That decision will cause them to embark on a journey that will change their lives forever. They will enter a world they never knew existed, the world of the incarcerated and the women who love them. They will visit the prisons and meet other women who also visit the prisons and they will be misunderstood and ridiculed by loved ones who do not understand why they would choose to wait. Not too many people understand why these women can’t let go. But can love be turned on then off like a running faucet? Can it be played like an instrument and then put back into its case? Or can love be balled up like a piece of paper and then thrown away? No! Love cannot be turned off, closed up or simply discarded because some times it is just too difficult to do so.
For women like me, it was too difficult to let go. Often we think that if we stand by our men then, perhaps, they will see that their lives is worth so much more than to be inside a prison where there is no power and no control over ones own life. Prison is volunteer slavery. The auction block is the courtroom where countless of men are shackled and handcuffed, sent to a hole called prison and told when to eat, sleep and use the bathroom. While incarcerated a man cannot earn a living, he cannot support his family, often he can’t even gain any real skills and this simply should not be. So many people suffer when men go to prison. But nobody thinks about the family that he leaves behind. They don’t see that we are victims, too. In my book I share all that I went through as a result of my husband’s incarceration and my decision to remain in a relationship with him in spite of it. The way that I hid what I was doing from others, all of the secrets I kept as a wife of an incarcerated man and the secrets of other women who have shared their thoughts with me on that long ride up to the prison is in this book. Late at night when we ride the prison buses, it is then that we can let go to each other, to share with the only people who truly understand since they are doing the same thing. “Secrets of an Inmate’s Wife” is about this experience and so much more.
You can read Gary Johnson’s interview with Jaki McCalvin. This interview was conducted in October 2004.
BMIA Exclusive!
In 2004 we started a section on the site that dealt with black men in jail. As a result we started getting “jail mail” and letters from women who were married to men in prison. As I read the mail and other material about the incarceration of black men, I never once thought about the women who are affected and left behind. Some of these women are mothers who are thrust into the role of being a father to their children. With one tap of the gavel, some of these women have gone from housewife to sole financial provider. Others have been pushed into poverty because of a lack of financial support.
These women are known as “prisoner wives and girlfriends.” Many of these prisoner wives/girlfriends have decided to “stand by their man” and endure a life of ridicule from some of their friends and family members. They keep their love alive with conjugal visits in trailers on the prison grounds, letters, phone calls and even smuggling drugs for their man. Many women fight with themselves about whether or not they made the right decision to support their man.
Why would a woman marry a man that’s not coming out anytime soon? Wanting to learn more about this phenomenon, I turned to Jaki McCalvin. Jaki is a prisoner wife. She’s also the author of the book, “What Happens When Brothers Go To Prison and Leave Sisters Alone?” The book is a true story about Jaki’s life as a prisoner girlfriend to prisoner wife. Readers follow Jaki from the courtroom as Jaki’s boyfriend is sentenced to 12 years in jail, to her first ride on the bus to the prison, to her marriage in a prison chapel.
I spoke to many prisoner wives and girlfriends before posting this article and decided to start off this series featuring Jaki McCalvin’s story. Jaki’s story, although, personal and unique to her situation, was also representative of several of the women that I spoke with. Like many women before her, Jaki could not turn her love off like a faucet. There is so much that takes place in the lives of women who choose to stand by African-American men after they become incarcerated.
To her credit, Jaki was willing to tell her story in the form of an interview. We had several conversations before and after this interview and I give her all the credit in the world because I believe that by sharing her story, she is doing the work of others.
For me, this was a different kind of story. According to Jaki, this is not limited to being a black woman. “Many women will be able to relate to many of the issues that I faced,” says McCalvin. To learn more about what happens to women when their man goes to jail read our feature interview with Jaki McCalvin.
The Jaki McCalvin Interview
BMIA: Jaki, let’s get right to it. What happened when you’re in love with your then boyfriend, Eric, a man who goes to prison and leaves you alone?
J. McCalvin: I learned a lot. I became a part of a world I never knew existed, the world of the inmates and the women who stand by them.
BMIA: What does the reality of your man going to prison do to your psyche?
J. McCalvin: It is similar to what a person feels like when a relationship ends. I went through shock and disbelief, deep sadness and confusion because I didn’t know what I should do. I asked myself over and over where do I go from here?
BMIA: What is Eric serving time for?
J. McCalvin: Criminal activity related to drug addiction. My husband became addicted to drugs, like so many men. And drugs changed him. It destroyed everything that we had built, like it does in any relationship where one person or both people are involved in drugs.
BMIA: Tell me about your background. (Age, part of the country you were born, level of education, etc.)
J. McCalvin: Well, I was born and raised in Harlem, NYC. I grew up in the projects. I’ve had training in many things from acting, freelance writing and currently I’m working on a degree in African-American studies. Right out of high school I went straight into an advertising company while attending college at night. From there I worked at a theatre-licensing agency associated with CBS, I also worked at Fleet Bank as an Administrative Assistant to the Department Head. I’ve always had great jobs where I learned a lot. When I was in High School I was in a special program for four years for gifted young writers after one of my English Teachers read a poem that I wrote. We had to write a simple poem about a dog. Most students wrote about their dog, or that they liked dogs. I wrote a poem called, “Nobody’s Dog.” It was about a lonely abandoned dog, frightened and hungry, waiting for scraps. I don’t recall all the words but it was deep and I guess the teacher thought so, too.
BMIA: Would you say that you have or had low self-esteem?
J. McCalvin: I never thought I did. Maybe I could have since I let so many people have a front row seat in my life. It may not be low self-esteem but the way I was brought up. I was a middle child to two sisters, one who always has so much drama going on in her life and my oldest sister had Lupus since she was three. She died a few years ago, I loved her so much. But I took care of her a lot during childhood and so I think I just got used to taking care of people and putting my own needs on the back burner.
BMIA: Generally speaking, would you say that women who wait for and support men in prison suffer from low self-esteem?
J. McCalvin: The women I meet and see don’t look like they suffer low self-esteem. They just love and stand by their man. If a woman’s husband can’t find a job and she supports him, is she suddenly suffering low self-esteem? Maybe she just loves her man through the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. But let me add this. I did an interview about this issue for a television program recently and when this question was asked, the sister with me answered it this way, “The low self-esteem comes from having to hide it, that’s what tears you up. Because you are put down so much by others.” I think her answer was very accurate.
BMIA: How did you meet Eric?
J. McCalvin: I met Eric at a club. He was a real good dancer and that made him very popular in our neighborhood, so I knew who he was, had seen him around and had admired him for his popularity long before I actually met him.
BMIA: Do you feel that Eric was honest with you before he went to prison?
J. McCalvin: He didn’t tell me he had some things on his record from childhood and other dustups with the law as a teenager.
BMIA: Do you believe him now?
J. McCalvin: I believe that he has finally grown into the man God wants him to be. Talk is cheap. I see what changes he has made. Even in prison, in a situation so violent, he rehabilitated himself. He held a position as a coordinator for several years for the Alternative to Violence Program in prison. A position that was never held by an inmate in that prison before. He has character letters from Prison Pastors and outside people he worked with in the program. I have a lot of respect for him because he has been through a lot and not only is he enduring it but he is educating himself and maturing in ways that free black men don’t even do. I have learned a lot from him. Sometimes it takes a whole lot for a man to become the man God wants him to be. I believe in what I see and I believe in change, in what God can do in any of us.
BMIA: Did you ever hear that “inner voice” in your head that warned you that “something wasn’t right’ in the relationship? If so, did you ignore it or act on it?
J. McCalvin: If I did not think I could change a man I wouldn’t be a woman. But I’ll also say this, my father did not teach me about men. He did not tell me what to look for. I looked for love and found it. Also, when you grow up in Harlem or in any ghetto, the men you meet have the same characteristics. They all have a tendency to be violent. I ignored any warning signs because I believed like many women, that if I loved him enough he could be the man I needed him to be. But I have learned that what really changes a man is a man that is ready for change.
BMIA: What’s it like to be sitting in a courtroom and watching your man get sentenced to serving time in jail?
J. McCalvin: It was devastating, my heart felt ripped out. I knew my life was going to change drastically because he wouldn’t be coming home for a long time.
BMIA: Do you see yourself as an advocate for prison wives and girlfriends?
J. McCalvin: I have so much to say about this issue and the things I have experienced and the things I see when I visit the prisons. I have so much fire in side of me concerning this topic and what I want to tell black men and the women that visit the prisons regularly. I want to hug sisters who wait and tell them that I understand and to do what is right for you. I want to tell them to forget what the world thinks. But I also want to tell brothers that a change has to come. So I guess I am.
BMIA: What is a prisoner’s wife?
J. McCalvin: A prison’s wife is a strong woman, a caring woman. She is a woman who loves, perhaps, deeper than she should. A prisoner’s wife is someone who loves unconditionally and knows that love can’t be turned on then off like a light switch, not real love. She is a woman that has to constantly deal with negative criticism from her family and friends and society because of her decision to wait.
BMIA: Do you have the opportunity for conjugal visits? How does that work in terms of the atmosphere or environment? (Guards outside the door)? How long is a typical conjugal visit?
J. McCalvin: It’s where you get to spend two days and nights with your man alone inside a trailer just like the ones you can purchase to own. Outside the trailers are small play areas for children, picnic benches and grills for barbequing. Inside the trailers are completely furnished. You go in Saturday morning and leave Monday morning. Or you can schedule a Thursday morning until Saturday morning visit. Either way, the visit is just two days and nights. You supply all the food you want to cook and eat for the whole trailer because once you are there, unless something happens, you don’t leave. The guards are not outside the door. They are in high towers above. There is a phone inside the trailers and when it rings, the inmate must answer it. That is how they take attendance. Sometimes the inmate has to stick his head out the door and wave to the guard in the tower. That’s another way they check the attendance. Other than that, you are alone with your man. Some inmates have their mothers and fathers and other families visit and the family members seem to have so much fun cooking and just being with this person that they miss so much.
BMIA: What is it about being a prisoner’s wife that the general public does not see or understand?
J. McCalvin: The general public seems to think that prisoner’s wives are uneducated or crazy or suffer low self-esteem. They think that we think it is ok, what our men have done. But we do not condone criminal activity. If anything, we are trying to help these men realize that they need education, they need to read more, and they need to change their ways of thinking. That is what we do and those of the wives that don’t need to start doing this. Society needs to also see that the wives and children of prisoners are victims, too.
BMIA: Talk to me about “prison games.” How is “the game” played?
J. McCalvin: The prison games I refer to in my book is the ones where inmates meet and get involved in relationships with women that they consider unattractive but they do so in order to get the women to come visit (a visit is better than no visit). They get these women to buy them food, put money in their accounts and buy them expensive sneakers. You see a lot of brothers get these gullible white women to do this for them. Then eventually these women marry these guys who they think love them, but these brothers are just looking to get “some” on a conjugal visit and they don’t care what color it is. I don’t like how they play with the hearts and heads of women like this. Some brothers get released and they don’t even bother to let the woman know because it was just a game, a prison game.
I’ve seen brothers play two different women, stringing them both along. One comes up on a Sunday and the other comes up on Saturday. They never meet and never have any idea the other is coming. One is his wife who he usually has conjugal visits with and the other is the girl that he is promising to marry one day. More than anything I hate how they waste these women’s time – women who could be getting involved in relationships that are real and lasting. You see it all the time and everybody’s laughing behind her back because you know what that’s all about.
BMIA: How do you reconcile or deal with the lies?
J. McCalvin: You tell me one person who says they have never lied to their mate in order to keep certain negative information about them a secret and I’ll tell you that person is not being for real.
BMIA: How does prison affect the children, friends and family?
J. McCalvin: Children have no fathers and they resent their fathers for that. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and she was honest to admit to him that while growing up, she hated that he wasn’t around. Other family members and friends must learn how to go on without that person. It’s as if they died because everybody isn’t going to visit the prisons. My husband’s mother has never been to see him, never. So she hasn’t seen her son in more than ten years.
BMIA: How do you explain “Daddy’s absence” to the children?
J. McCalvin: I give that responsibility to daddy. He needs to tell them because it’s not my crime, it’s his.
BMIA: What do you say to yourself and do to get you through the day-to-day existence of living with your man in prison?
J. McCalvin: I’d like to think that my life concerns more than just him and the situation he’s in. It’s when you don’t understand that, that it becomes a real problem. When you visit so much your own needs are lacking and your kids are not taken care of because you are always up there. That’s a problem. There was a time when I put too much into this, but not anymore.
BMIA: Do you have any particular feelings toward the criminal justice system as it pertains to black men in America?
J. McCalvin: The criminal justice system is unfair to black men, who get more time for the same crimes white men commit. White men can afford the best lawyers and buy themselves out of prison, black men can’t. That’s another reason why there are more black men in prison than whites. But also, prison takes away power and control. It is a form of slavery that, unfortunately, black men are volunteering for in record numbers. The overseer is the judge, the slave masters are the correction officers. This is the real deal. When my husband stood before the white judge in his shackles, I mean handcuffs. I thought to myself, damn, this white man has so much power.
Prison is also a business. In most states where there are prisons, the warden lives in the area, the cook, the correction officers, the man that distributes the food and other supplies from his own business that he started when he realized there was a need because of the prisons, they all live there and they all profit off of the large number of inmates in their all white town where the inmates are usually mostly black.
BMIA: Why do you wait? I don’t mean to be rude or make you seem as if you’re crazy, but I would really like to get some sense of the logic that drives a spouse’s behavior in this situation.
J. McCalvin: Allow me one chance to flip a question. Would you stand by your girl or wife if she got cancer or became paralyzed or made a mistake that landed her in prison?
BMIA: If she were sick I would stand by her. The prison thing is not as clear. It depends on what she was in for.
J. McCalvin: Could you just drop that deep beautiful love just like that?
BMIA: No.
J. McCalvin: God calls special people to do special things. It took a special kind of woman to be Christopher Reeve’s wife. Tell me why I should walk away, because he made a mistake? I don’t know anybody who hasn’t made mistakes. I just know a lot of people who never got caught. (Laughs) The bond I have with my man is probably stronger than what a lot of people have who are out here. I also got friends who have never found real love during the entire time my husband has been incarcerated. Some are married and divorced; some have gone from men to men. One of my best friends decided she’d rather be gay now because of this. I got another good friend who have been with so many men looking for love in all the wrong places that I’ve lost count. Most of them have one or more kids by different men they are no longer with. I don’t want that.
BMIA: Jaki, if a woman commits to waiting for her boyfriend, and he’s serving 20 years, what does that “waiting” encompass? What happens if you meet another man? Is there an “unwritten rule” about the “do’s and don’ts” of how one should behave when your man/woman is in prison?
J. McCalvin: It’s no different than any relationship you are in. If you choose to wait, then wait. Don’t disrespect a brother just because he’s in prison. Be true to him or just walk away. Trailers take away some of the sexual frustrations. Most of the women are not looking for other men so they don’t meet them. When they do they simply tell the man that they are in a relationship, because they are. If they decide they want to get with the brother then they tell the inmate that they can’t wait, that they’ve found somebody else. There is no unwritten rule. I don’t think anyone should be disrespected regardless of where they are. Anything other than this would be the flip side of a prison game.
BMIA: Talk about the network of women you’ve met whose men are serving time in prison?
J. McCalvin: I’ve befriended a traffic officer, a woman who works in a prison in the offices. I’ve met nurses, administrative Assistants for large and prestigious firms. I’ve met legal assistants. I’ve met hard working, respectable, educated women. We are just women who simply love who we love. You can’t fit us into one category therefore people should never stereotype us.
BMIA: As the years go by it is easier or more difficult to visit your man in prison?
J. McCalvin: What makes it easier is that I continue to grow and understand more and more about who I am and my purpose, I have learned that his incarceration does not control my life or who I am. I don’t get personally affected the way I used to. I only go on conjugal visits and then I go home and continue with the things I am doing in my life. I’m not living in the state where he is anymore so I can’t be there like I used to. I am a woman and a mother to a child that needs my nurturing first and foremost.
BMIA: Let’s talk about your faith. Do you believe in God?
J. McCalvin: God is everything to me. He is first. With God I can do all things and all things are possible in Him. It is the bible that made me respect marriage even if I didn’t think my husband did at the time. It is God that teaches me that I don’t need to conform to the world’s thinking. That just like Moses and Noah was laughed at, or the disciple named Peter who went around the world trying to teach others about Jesus Christ was laughed at, I am laughed at, but it didn’t stop these great men or the others from doing what they thought was right. Neither will it stop me. God has taught me that Eric had to go through this “fire” in order to be brought out refined.
BMIA: Talk about how your faith plays a role in your life.
J. McCalvin: Faith keeps me going when I get discouraged. Faith told me to write this book and that it is important. Because of faith I believe in the end result, the result that I can’t see right now because it is so far away. Faith tells me that my man will be home one day and that I will be a great and respectable writer one day.
BMIA: I’ve heard about women who marry men who are serving time in prison. Some of these men will NEVER see the light of day, and yet there are women who want to marry them. You married Eric while he was in prison. Was that his idea or yours?
J. McCalvin: Both. If I was going to wait then at least let us be able to be intimate sometimes because it helps. Those weekends are like short vacations from all this. Sometimes its just about the moment, the here and now. Sometimes life is too unpredictable and short to spend too much time worrying about anything else.
BMIA: What was it about your relationship with Eric that made you want to marry him?
J. McCalvin: Eric and I are best friends. When he was home we were always together. When he was hanging out with his friends I would be right there. We were buddies. People envied that about us. Drugs changed him. It wasn’t me or anything I did, it wasn’t our love, it was drugs. Drugs don’t love nobody.
BMIA: In other cases, women marry men who are serving life sentences and destined to die in jail? Does the same logic that you just shared apply?
J. McCalvin: It could. There is no real logic to love, you love who you love. And because of love you take what you have and because it is real to you, you do what is important to you.
BMIA: What do you want people to “get” or learn as a result of reading your book?
J. McCalvin: I want people to try and understand the women who wait. I want them to see the love that can take place between inmates and their wives. I want them to see that this started off no different than their own relationships. Through my husband’s incarceration as well as all the other things that I share that happened to me in my book, like my sister’s death, my battle with a chronic illness and all I learned, I want people to see that they can be strong through anything.
BMIA: What drives you to succeed and be the best?
J. McCalvin: I have a right to succeed. I’ve been through so much. I deserve success. I fight to maintain my health everyday. I have to deal with people that think I’m crazy or feel like I’m living a double life sometimes. I often tell myself, you deserve to be happy and satisfied because you fight so much.
BMIA: Do you feel any sense of responsibility for Eric’s circumstances?
J. McCalvin: Why would I ever feel responsible for what a man does? I did not give birth to him, if anything, his mother should feel some responsibility. And, too, he should feel responsible for the circumstances he put his wife and child in, not the other way around.
BMIA: How would you assess your role and level of responsibility for the things that have happened in your life?
J. McCalvin: I accept total responsibility for whether I lay back and feel sorry for myself or get up and keep going. Life is unpredictable and things happen, things that we can’t control. What I control and accept total responsibility for is my reaction to those things.
BMIA: Who motivates and inspires you?
J. McCalvin: God inspires me. My daughter inspires me. Writing inspires me. It is my purpose. When a new poem or another verse to an old one or words to a chapter of a book I am writing begins to flow through me like rivers of running water and I can barely write as fast as this stuff is coming though me, I feel like I can fly. Oh Man! I feel so complete.
BMIA: Has Eric’s serving time in prison changed your outlook on life? If so, how?
J. McCalvin: When I was young and I thought about marriage and being with a man, of course, I never imagined in my wildest dreams I’d be in this situation. When I was younger I fantasized a lot. I must admit that he took away a lot of those fantasies and brought me down to the bare reality of things.
BMIA: What’s the biggest challenge facing women who have men in prison?
J. McCalvin: Learning that they are not responsible. The biggest challenge for black women who have men in prison and black women everywhere is to understand that we can’t do everything. They must begin to understand that we must stop nurturing grown men and begin to nurture ourselves more. We must stop having sons with men that are not responsible. We must try hard to get good fathers for our sons so that this cycle of men becoming incarcerated because they had no positive male role models will end.
BMIA: What do you think is the biggest challenge facing black men in America?
J. McCalvin: Accepting responsibility for the situations they have put sisters in. That when a sister takes her three children by three different men to the welfare office it isn’t only her we need to judge or look down on, clearly there are three irresponsible men out there who are not doing their job. There are too many black children without fathers. Where are the fathers? In jail? Wherever they are, that is the biggest challenge for black men in America. Keeping them out of jail, becoming responsible, creating positive role models for their children and spending time with their children. Slavery has come back in a different form. Prison makes men powerless. To the educated and uneducated, rap singers, NBA stars, stop making babies and walking away. Stop leaving sisters alone. I wish I didn’t have to write “What Happens When Brothers Go To Prison And Leave Sisters Alone.” I wish this issue were not as common as it is today.
BMIA: Thank you Jaki!
J. McCalvin: Thank you for allowing me to share my story.
Jaki McCalvin grew up in Harlem, NY and currently lives in North Carolina.
You can order Jaki’s book, “What Happens When Brothers Go To Prison and Leave Sisters Alone?” at Amazon.com or by sending a check/money payable to Jaki McCalvin at Sister Publishing, PO Box 539, Kannapolis, NC 28082. Click here to visit her web site.
Open Letter to the Authentic Black Woman
To Whom It May Concern:
Recently, I found myself thinking of your true worth. In my pre-coconscious mind thoughts of the authentic black women began to ruminate. For so long you have been devalued, persecuted, and disrespected. A Goddess in your own right, you have used your divinity to shield yourself from the brunt of these injuries. The black woman speaks of family and orchestrates its symphony with adroitness. Your epicene attributes allow you to assume the role of both mother and father, even though it is not in your original job description. Inside of your womb we find the genesis of mankind and the safest place on earth. The authentic black woman has endured much longsuffering and has done so with a smile. Embedded in man’s collective unconscious is your record of faithful service. Your aesthetic qualities have been overlooked in favor of emaciated fair skinned women, by a society that would not know beauty if it stared them in the eyes. Authentic black women are never tawdry of cantankerous, as they are a joy to be around and respectful of themselves and others. A jewel with an iridescent bling that could light up the universe, you shine so that others may be encouraged.
You were present with Mary as she endured the pain of seeing her son Jesus crucified. You were a house maiden in Cleopatra’s court and a faithful wife to Moses. You have endured the indignity of being a slave, and suffered countless sexual assaults at the hands of your former Masters. You were forced sit at the back of the bus and when you could endure it no longer, you refused to get up. You supported Martin and Malcolm as they led the Civil Rights Movement, and after all of this, you are still doing your part.
You are an intellect, who has an avaricious appetite for knowledge. You are a faithful companion and a champion of the black man. You are my other half. I know that I do not tell you this enough, but I love you. Even though I can be misogynistic at times, I see you as my equal. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. If ever there is a time when you need me, just let me know. I hope this letter reaches you, as I know that you have addresses in many different countries. Hope to hear from you soon.
Love Always,
The Authentic Black Man
What Happens When Brothers Go To Prison and Leave Sisters Alone? About four months ago we started a new section on the site called The Prison Princess Speaks. As a result of that column, we started getting “jail mail” and letters from women who were married to men in prison. As I started reading the mail and other material about the incarceration of black men, I never once thought about the women who are affected and left behind. Some of these women are mothers who are thrust into the role of being a father to their children. With one tap of the gavel, some of these women have gone from housewife to sole financial provider. Others have been pushed into poverty because of a lack of financial support. These women are known as “prisoner wives and girlfriends.” Many of these prisoner wives/girlfriends have decided to “stand by their man” and endure a life of ridicule from some of their friends and family members. They keep their love alive with conjugal visits in trailers on the prison grounds, letters, phone calls and even smuggling drugs for their man. Many women fight with themselves about whether or not they made the right decision to support their man. Why would a woman marry a man that’s not coming out anytime soon? Wanting to learn more about this phenomenon, I turned to Jaki McCalvin. Jaki is a prisoner wife. She’s also the author of the book, “What Happens When Brothers Go To Prison and Leave Sisters Alone?” The book is a true story about Jaki’s life as a prisoner girlfriend to prisoner wife. Readers follow Jaki from the courtroom as Jaki’s boyfriend is sentenced to 12 years in jail, to her first ride on the bus to the prison, to her marriage in a prison chapel. I spoke to many prisoner wives and girlfriends before posting this article and decided to start off this series featuring Jaki McCalvin’s story. Jaki’s story, although, personal and unique to her situation, was also representative of several of the women that I spoke with. Like many women before her, Jaki could not turn her love off like a faucet. There is so much that takes place in the lives of women who choose to stand by African-American men after they become incarcerated. To her credit, Jaki was willing to tell her story in the form of an interview. We had several conversations before and after this interview and I give her all the credit in the world because I believe that by sharing her story, she is doing the work of others. For me, this was a different kind of story. According to Jaki, this is not limited to being a black woman. “Many women will be able to relate to many of the issues that I faced,” says McCalvin. To learn more about what happens to women when their man goes to jail read our feature interview with Jaki McCalvin.
The Jaki McCalvin Interview
BMIA: Jaki, let’s get right to it. What happened when you’re in love with your then boyfriend, Eric, a man who goes to prison and leaves you alone?
J. McCalvin: I learned a lot. I became a part of a world I never knew existed, the world of the inmates and the women who stand by them.
BMIA: What does the reality of your man going to prison do to your psyche?
J. McCalvin: It is similar to what a person feels like when a relationship ends. I went through shock and disbelief, deep sadness and confusion because I didn’t know what I should do. I asked myself over and over where do I go from here?
BMIA: What is Eric serving time for?
J. McCalvin: Criminal activity related to drug addiction. My husband became addicted to drugs, like so many men. And drugs changed him. It destroyed everything that we had built, like it does in any relationship where one person or both people are involved in drugs.
BMIA: Tell me about your background. (Age, part of the country you were born, level of education, etc.)
J. McCalvin: Well, I was born and raised in Harlem, NYC. I grew up in the projects. I’ve had training in many things from acting, freelance writing and currently I’m working on a degree in African-American studies. Right out of high school I went straight into an advertising company while attending college at night. From there I worked at a theatre-licensing agency associated with CBS, I also worked at Fleet Bank as an Administrative Assistant to the Department Head. I’ve always had great jobs where I learned a lot. When I was in High School I was in a special program for four years for gifted young writers after one of my English Teachers read a poem that I wrote. We had to write a simple poem about a dog. Most students wrote about their dog, or that they liked dogs. I wrote a poem called, “Nobody’s Dog.” It was about a lonely abandoned dog, frightened and hungry, waiting for scraps. I don’t recall all the words but it was deep and I guess the teacher thought so, too.
BMIA: Would you say that you have or had low self-esteem?
J. McCalvin: I never thought I did. Maybe I could have since I let so many people have a front row seat in my life. It may not be low self-esteem but the way I was brought up. I was a middle child to two sisters, one who always has so much drama going on in her life and my oldest sister had Lupus since she was three. She died a few years ago, I loved her so much. But I took care of her a lot during childhood and so I think I just got used to taking care of people and putting my own needs on the back burner.
BMIA: Generally speaking, would you say that women who wait for and support men in prison suffer from low self-esteem?
J. McCalvin: The women I meet and see don’t look like they suffer low self-esteem. They just love and stand by their man. If a woman’s husband can’t find a job and she supports him, is she suddenly suffering low self-esteem? Maybe she just loves her man through the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. But let me add this. I did an interview about this issue for a television program recently and when this question was asked, the sister with me answered it this way, “The low self-esteem comes from having to hide it, that’s what tears you up. Because you are put down so much by others.” I think her answer was very accurate.
BMIA: How did you meet Eric?
J. McCalvin: I met Eric at a club. He was a real good dancer and that made him very popular in our neighborhood, so I knew who he was, had seen him around and had admired him for his popularity long before I actually met him.
BMIA: Do you feel that Eric was honest with you before he went to prison?
J. McCalvin: He didn’t tell me he had some things on his record from childhood and other dustups with the law as a teenager.
BMIA: Do you believe him now?
J. McCalvin: I believe that he has finally grown into the man God wants him to be. Talk is cheap. I see what changes he has made. Even in prison, in a situation so violent, he rehabilitated himself. He held a position as a coordinator for several years for the Alternative to Violence Program in prison. A position that was never held by an inmate in that prison before. He has character letters from Prison Pastors and outside people he worked with in the program. I have a lot of respect for him because he has been through a lot and not only is he enduring it but he is educating himself and maturing in ways that free black men don’t even do. I have learned a lot from him. Sometimes it takes a whole lot for a man to become the man God wants him to be. I believe in what I see and I believe in change, in what God can do in any of us.
BMIA: Did you ever hear that “inner voice” in your head that warned you that “something wasn’t right’ in the relationship? If so, did you ignore it or act on it?
J. McCalvin: If I did not think I could change a man I wouldn’t be a woman. But I’ll also say this, my father did not teach me about men. He did not tell me what to look for. I looked for love and found it. Also, when you grow up in Harlem or in any ghetto, the men you meet have the same characteristics. They all have a tendency to be violent. I ignored any warning signs because I believed like many women, that if I loved him enough he could be the man I needed him to be. But I have learned that what really changes a man is a man that is ready for change.
BMIA: What’s it like to be sitting in a courtroom and watching your man get sentenced to serving time in jail?
J. McCalvin: It was devastating, my heart felt ripped out. I knew my life was going to change drastically because he wouldn’t be coming home for a long time.
BMIA: Do you see yourself as an advocate for prison wives and girlfriends?
J. McCalvin: I have so much to say about this issue and the things I have experienced and the things I see when I visit the prisons. I have so much fire in side of me concerning this topic and what I want to tell black men and the women that visit the prisons regularly. I want to hug sisters who wait and tell them that I understand and to do what is right for you. I want to tell them to forget what the world thinks. But I also want to tell brothers that a change has to come. So I guess I am.
BMIA: What is a prisoner’s wife?
J. McCalvin: A prison’s wife is a strong woman, a caring woman. She is a woman who loves, perhaps, deeper than she should. A prisoner’s wife is someone who loves unconditionally and knows that love can’t be turned on then off like a light switch, not real love. She is a woman that has to constantly deal with negative criticism from her family and friends and society because of her decision to wait.
BMIA: Do you have the opportunity for conjugal visits? How does that work in terms of the atmosphere or environment? (Guards outside the door)? How long is a typical conjugal visit?
J. McCalvin: It’s where you get to spend two days and nights with your man alone inside a trailer just like the ones you can purchase to own. Outside the trailers are small play areas for children, picnic benches and grills for barbequing. Inside the trailers are completely furnished. You go in Saturday morning and leave Monday morning. Or you can schedule a Thursday morning until Saturday morning visit. Either way, the visit is just two days and nights. You supply all the food you want to cook and eat for the whole trailer because once you are there, unless something happens, you don’t leave. The guards are not outside the door. They are in high towers above. There is a phone inside the trailers and when it rings, the inmate must answer it. That is how they take attendance. Sometimes the inmate has to stick his head out the door and wave to the guard in the tower. That’s another way they check the attendance. Other than that, you are alone with your man. Some inmates have their mothers and fathers and other families visit and the family members seem to have so much fun cooking and just being with this person that they miss so much.
BMIA: What is it about being a prisoner’s wife that the general public does not see or understand?
J. McCalvin: The general public seems to think that prisoner’s wives are uneducated or crazy or suffer low self-esteem. They think that we think it is ok, what our men have done. But we do not condone criminal activity. If anything, we are trying to help these men realize that they need education, they need to read more, and they need to change their ways of thinking. That is what we do and those of the wives that don’t need to start doing this. Society needs to also see that the wives and children of prisoners are victims, too.
BMIA: Talk to me about “prison games.” How is “the game” played?
J. McCalvin: The prison games I refer to in my book is the ones where inmates meet and get involved in relationships with women that they consider unattractive but they do so in order to get the women to come visit (a visit is better than no visit). They get these women to buy them food, put money in their accounts and buy them expensive sneakers. You see a lot of brothers get these gullible white women to do this for them. Then eventually these women marry these guys who they think love them, but these brothers are just looking to get “some” on a conjugal visit and they don’t care what color it is. I don’t like how they play with the hearts and heads of women like this. Some brothers get released and they don’t even bother to let the woman know because it was just a game, a prison game. I’ve seen brothers play two different women, stringing them both along. One comes up on a Sunday and the other comes up on Saturday. They never meet and never have any idea the other is coming. One is his wife who he usually has conjugal visits with and the other is the girl that he is promising to marry one day. More than anything I hate how they waste these women’s time – women who could be getting involved in relationships that are real and lasting. You see it all the time and everybody’s laughing behind her back because you know what that’s all about.
BMIA: How do you reconcile or deal with the lies?
J. McCalvin: You tell me one person who says they have never lied to their mate in order to keep certain negative information about them a secret and I’ll tell you that person is not being for real.
BMIA: How does prison affect the children, friends and family?
J. McCalvin: Children have no fathers and they resent their fathers for that. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and she was honest to admit to him that while growing up, she hated that he wasn’t around. Other family members and friends must learn how to go on without that person. It’s as if they died because everybody isn’t going to visit the prisons. My husband’s mother has never been to see him, never. So she hasn’t seen her son in more than ten years.
BMIA: How do you explain “Daddy’s absence” to the children?
J. McCalvin: I give that responsibility to daddy. He needs to tell them because it’s not my crime, it’s his.
BMIA: What do you say to yourself and do to get you through the day-to-day existence of living with your man in prison?
J. McCalvin: I’d like to think that my life concerns more than just him and the situation he’s in. It’s when you don’t understand that, that it becomes a real problem. When you visit so much your own needs are lacking and your kids are not taken care of because you are always up there. That’s a problem. There was a time when I put too much into this, but not anymore.
BMIA: Do you have any particular feelings toward the criminal justice system as it pertains to black men in America?
J. McCalvin: The criminal justice system is unfair to black men, who get more time for the same crimes white men commit. White men can afford the best lawyers and buy themselves out of prison, black men can’t. That’s another reason why there are more black men in prison than whites. But also, prison takes away power and control. It is a form of slavery that, unfortunately, black men are volunteering for in record numbers. The overseer is the judge, the slave masters are the correction officers. This is the real deal. When my husband stood before the white judge in his shackles, I mean handcuffs. I thought to myself, damn, this white man has so much power. Prison is also a business. In most states where there are prisons, the warden lives in the area, the cook, the correction officers, the man that distributes the food and other supplies from his own business that he started when he realized there was a need because of the prisons, they all live there and they all profit off of the large number of inmates in their all white town where the inmates are usually mostly black.
BMIA: Why do you wait? I don’t mean to be rude or make you seem as if you’re crazy, but I would really like to get some sense of the logic that drives a spouse’s behavior in this situation.
J. McCalvin: Allow me one chance to flip a question. Would you stand by your girl or wife if she got cancer or became paralyzed or made a mistake that landed her in prison?
BMIA: If she were sick I would stand by her. The prison thing is not as clear. It depends on what she was in for.
J. McCalvin: Could you just drop that deep beautiful love just like that?
BMIA: No.
J. McCalvin: God calls special people to do special things. It took a special kind of woman to be Christopher Reeve’s wife. Tell me why I should walk away, because he made a mistake? I don’t know anybody who hasn’t made mistakes. I just know a lot of people who never got caught. (Laughs) The bond I have with my man is probably stronger than what a lot of people have who are out here. I also got friends who have never found real love during the entire time my husband has been incarcerated. Some are married and divorced; some have gone from men to men. One of my best friends decided she’d rather be gay now because of this. I got another good friend who have been with so many men looking for love in all the wrong places that I’ve lost count. Most of them have one or more kids by different men they are no longer with. I don’t want that.
BMIA: Jaki, if a woman commits to waiting for her boyfriend, and he’s serving 20 years, what does that “waiting” encompass? What happens if you meet another man? Is there an “unwritten rule” about the “do’s and don’ts” of how one should behave when your man/woman is in prison?
J. McCalvin: It’s no different than any relationship you are in. If you choose to wait, then wait. Don’t disrespect a brother just because he’s in prison. Be true to him or just walk away. Trailers take away some of the sexual frustrations. Most of the women are not looking for other men so they don’t meet them. When they do they simply tell the man that they are in a relationship, because they are. If they decide they want to get with the brother then they tell the inmate that they can’t wait, that they’ve found somebody else. There is no unwritten rule. I don’t think anyone should be disrespected regardless of where they are. Anything other than this would be the flip side of a prison game.
BMIA: Talk about the network of women you’ve met whose men are serving time in prison?
J. McCalvin: I’ve befriended a traffic officer, a woman who works in a prison in the offices. I’ve met nurses, administrative Assistants for large and prestigious firms. I’ve met legal assistants. I’ve met hard working, respectable, educated women. We are just women who simply love who we love. You can’t fit us into one category therefore people should never stereotype us.
BMIA: As the years go by it is easier or more difficult to visit your man in prison?
J. McCalvin: What makes it easier is that I continue to grow and understand more and more about who I am and my purpose, I have learned that his incarceration does not control my life or who I am. I don’t get personally affected the way I used to. I only go on conjugal visits and then I go home and continue with the things I am doing in my life. I’m not living in the state where he is anymore so I can’t be there like I used to. I am a woman and a mother to a child that needs my nurturing first and foremost.
BMIA: Let’s talk about your faith. Do you believe in God?
J. McCalvin: God is everything to me. He is first. With God I can do all things and all things are possible in Him. It is the bible that made me respect marriage even if I didn’t think my husband did at the time. It is God that teaches me that I don’t need to conform to the world’s thinking. That just like Moses and Noah was laughed at, or the disciple named Peter who went around the world trying to teach others about Jesus Christ was laughed at, I am laughed at, but it didn’t stop these great men or the others from doing what they thought was right. Neither will it stop me. God has taught me that Eric had to go through this “fire” in order to be brought out refined.
BMIA: Talk about how your faith plays a role in your life.
J. McCalvin: Faith keeps me going when I get discouraged. Faith told me to write this book and that it is important. Because of faith I believe in the end result, the result that I can’t see right now because it is so far away. Faith tells me that my man will be home one day and that I will be a great and respectable writer one day.
BMIA: I’ve heard about women who marry men who are serving time in prison. Some of these men will NEVER see the light of day, and yet there are women who want to marry them. You married Eric while he was in prison. Was that his idea or yours?
J. McCalvin: Both. If I was going to wait then at least let us be able to be intimate sometimes because it helps. Those weekends are like short vacations from all this. Sometimes its just about the moment, the here and now. Sometimes life is too unpredictable and short to spend too much time worrying about anything else.
BMIA: What was it about your relationship with Eric that made you want to marry him?
J. McCalvin: Eric and I are best friends. When he was home we were always together. When he was hanging out with his friends I would be right there. We were buddies. People envied that about us. Drugs changed him. It wasn’t me or anything I did, it wasn’t our love, it was drugs. Drugs don’t love nobody.
BMIA: In other cases, women marry men who are serving life sentences and destined to die in jail? Does the same logic that you just shared apply?
J. McCalvin: It could. There is no real logic to love, you love who you love. And because of love you take what you have and because it is real to you, you do what is important to you.
BMIA: What do you want people to “get” or learn as a result of reading your book?
J. McCalvin: I want people to try and understand the women who wait. I want them to see the love that can take place between inmates and their wives. I want them to see that this started off no different than their own relationships. Through my husband’s incarceration as well as all the other things that I share that happened to me in my book, like my sister’s death, my battle with a chronic illness and all I learned, I want people to see that they can be strong through anything.
BMIA: What drives you to succeed and be the best?
J. McCalvin: I have a right to succeed. I’ve been through so much. I deserve success. I fight to maintain my health everyday. I have to deal with people that think I’m crazy or feel like I’m living a double life sometimes. I often tell myself, you deserve to be happy and satisfied because you fight so much.
BMIA: Do you feel any sense of responsibility for Eric’s circumstances?
J. McCalvin: Why would I ever feel responsible for what a man does? I did not give birth to him, if anything, his mother should feel some responsibility. And, too, he should feel responsible for the circumstances he put his wife and child in, not the other way around.
BMIA: How would you assess your role and level of responsibility for the things that have happened in your life?
J. McCalvin: I accept total responsibility for whether I lay back and feel sorry for myself or get up and keep going. Life is unpredictable and things happen, things that we can’t control. What I control and accept total responsibility for is my reaction to those things.
BMIA: Who motivates and inspires you?
J. McCalvin: God inspires me. My daughter inspires me. Writing inspires me. It is my purpose. When a new poem or another verse to an old one or words to a chapter of a book I am writing begins to flow through me like rivers of running water and I can barely write as fast as this stuff is coming though me, I feel like I can fly. Oh Man! I feel so complete.
BMIA: Has Eric’s serving time in prison changed your outlook on life? If so, how?
J. McCalvin: When I was young and I thought about marriage and being with a man, of course, I never imagined in my wildest dreams I’d be in this situation. When I was younger I fantasized a lot. I must admit that he took away a lot of those fantasies and brought me down to the bare reality of things.
BMIA: What’s the biggest challenge facing women who have men in prison?
J. McCalvin: Learning that they are not responsible. The biggest challenge for black women who have men in prison and black women everywhere is to understand that we can’t do everything. They must begin to understand that we must stop nurturing grown men and begin to nurture ourselves more. We must stop having sons with men that are not responsible. We must try hard to get good fathers for our sons so that this cycle of men becoming incarcerated because they had no positive male role models will end.
BMIA: What do you think is the biggest challenge facing black men in America?
J. McCalvin: Accepting responsibility for the situations they have put sisters in. That when a sister takes her three children by three different men to the welfare office it isn’t only her we need to judge or look down on, clearly there are three irresponsible men out there who are not doing their job. There are too many black children without fathers. Where are the fathers? In jail? Wherever they are, that is the biggest challenge for black men in America. Keeping them out of jail, becoming responsible, creating positive role models for their children and spending time with their children. Slavery has come back in a different form. Prison makes men powerless. To the educated and uneducated, rap singers, NBA stars, stop making babies and walking away. Stop leaving sisters alone. I wish I didn’t have to write “What Happens When Brothers Go To Prison And Leave Sisters Alone.” I wish this issue were not as common as it is today.
BMIA: Thank you Jaki!
J. McCalvin: Thank you for allowing me to share my story. Jaki McCalvin grew up in Harlem, NY and currently lives in North Carolina.
You can order Jaki’s book, “What Happens When Brothers Go To Prison and Leave Sisters Alone?” at Amazon.com or by sending a check/money payable to Jaki McCalvin at Sister Publishing, PO Box 539, Kannapolis, NC 28082. Click here to visit her web site.
