The Bridge: Human Eye Pollution—Top Ten

By Darryl James

The weather is getting warmer and people are wearing less clothing.

Many of us walk around with the latest fashions, thinking that we are just too hot for our own good.

However, everything ain’t for everybody, and some of us look like hot ass fools wearing the wrong thing just because the store allowed us to buy it.

Perhaps some of us don’t have close friends we trust enough to tell us the truth, but since we know that the mirror doesn’t lie, we should trust the mirror and learn to look in it objectively.

From too small shirts on men with too big bellies and from women with butt cleavage and camel toe, there is some serious eye pollution in the air and some of it ought to be against the law.

In another Top Ten List, I’d like to present some eye pollution that people should take a look at.

Maybe one or more applies to you.

Top Ten Human Eye Pollution:

1                  Small shirts on men.

Okay, you’ve been working out and maybe you got sixteen inch upper arms.  But if you have “man boobs” or if you look like you’re eleven months pregnant, your arms no longer matter.  Either place more focus on your midsection, or buy a shirt that allows you to breathe without looking like you are about to deliver.

2                  Small shirts on women.

Some women only look at their fronts and since there isn’t much flab hanging, maybe it looked cool facing the mirror. But if you got back fat leaking out of your midriff top, it’s time to give that style back to your little sister. And, if your boobies look like they are about to pop out, it’s time to exercise some self-respect.

3                  Butt cleavage.

In my Mini-Documentary (Documini), “Crack,” I caught Serena Williams in public with four full inches of ass crack hanging out.  That woman has the body of a goddess, but even she looked nasty as hell with her ashy butt crack hanging out.  Now, imagine what yours looks like–especially if you don’t have her figure.

4                  Full male ass exposure.

C’mon, homie, I know that it’s been in style for a long time, but if you are sagging so hard that your entire ass is hanging out, it looks stupid even though it’s covered by your drawers. And, really, you can’t get mad if the boys on the gay side of town start trying to holla when you’re dressed like you want it from them.

5                  Exposed stretch marks.

If you have had a child or have gained a great deal of weight, your skin may start to show it.  Once you have stretch marks, it’s just not fly to expose your breastesses or your belly. No one will think you are sexy if you are all stretch-markedy.

6                  Camel Toe.

Ladies, if your pants are so tight that the entire outline of your cookie is clearly visible, complete with separation (cutting), it is disgusting.  Walking around in that all day is sure to give you a yeast infection, so please, let your girl breathe.

7                  Male camel toe.

Maybe you showed up at the “YMCA” video and the Village People put you on for having jeans so tight that one of your boys was on each side of the seam, but the ladies are laughing at you. You probably have a yeast infection too, and no woman in her right mind will believe that you are straight.

8                  Wife beaters on big breasted women.

Ladies, if your tatas are Dolly Parton-ish, you will get nothing but stares wearing a wife beater and a tight bra.  Your eyes aren’t up there, but really, with that shirt on, who cares if you have eyes?

9                  Anything too short.

Ladies, you know we like it if you have nice legs, but don’t expect to be looked upon with respect if your dress, shorts or skirt shows the bottom of your bottom. We’ll take a look when you bend over and show us all of your business, but we won’t be having good thoughts…

10             Stretch pants, spandex or any variation of clothing that you think hides your fat, but actually accentuates it.

There is nothing worse than a big girl in tight pants that look like they are about to burst.  And, worse, if the stretch pants are colorful, small children may follow you thinking the circus is in town.  You don’t have to wear a muumuu now that regular clothing is in your size, but please, step away from the stretchy material.

For many of us, life has too many challenges to keep a perfect body.  But that’s what clothes are for—to cloak our imperfections and accentuate our souls’ vessels in a flattering way. Otherwise, we may as well all go naked.

We have to be responsible enough not to add to the world’s eye pollution by wearing something that just isn’t made for us.

Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.” Now, listen to Darryl live on every Monday from 7-9pm, PST. View previous installments of this column at Reach James at


2 Responses to “The Bridge: Human Eye Pollution—Top Ten”

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