The Bridge: Paying The Cost

By Darryl James

How sad is it that in today’s economy, women are still complaining about how much men spend on dates?


First off, dating is supposed to be a process by which two individuals get to know each other. If you already have rigid standards and expectations of people you haven’t even met, chances are things won’t go well when you do meet.

For women who are on this silly program, think about this: What if the man you expect to spend a certain amount of money on a date, has expectations of getting you naked the same night? Would you judge him for having unreasonable expectations? Is he being unreasonable or are you?

Who is right and who is wrong?  Who is to say when there are no real standards in dating anymore?

Let’s be honest (even though it will make a lot of stupid people angry): The women who claim to be “old school” to excuse their unreasonable standards and expectations are full of it. Women in the “old school” actually used to cook for dates.  Women also used to be polite enough to go with a man to wherever he took her, even if she didn’t like the place, but especially if she liked the man. Why? Because it was all about getting to know each other.

It’s just sad that so many women are complaining about where a date took them or how much he spent, but not many are conversing about what they contribute to the dating process, as if men owe them something because they want to get to know them.

And we’ve all heard dead brained loser women state that men who are unwilling or unable to spend “enough” money on dates shouldn’t date.

So, because someone who doesn’t know you and may not even like you doesn’t want to invest in spending money entertaining you, they should go into dating exile?

Slap yourself.

I’ve used this example in discussions about dating to make the point clear to people who still have active brain cells: Our president, Barack Obama was not only low on funds when he met Michelle, but he was UNEMPLOYED! She helped him get a job and certainly didn’t chastise him about not being able to spend $200 on a date. Why? Because she was interested in being his life partner, not some line item in his dating budget.

Let’s do the math here:  If a man spends $100 on dating four times each month, he will spend $400 each month, which equals $4800 per year. That is the equivalent of a car payment or the down payment on a house. If a woman is seeking to be a life partner, I doubt that she would want that kind of money to be blown. Now, if she’s just looking for the good time, then she shouldn’t judge the man who is also looking for the good time…

A fair exchange is no robbery.

Now, I realize that the math may be a problem for stupid people, but frankly, the people (men and women) who think it’s reasonable for a man to be judged by the amount of money he spends on dating are stupid anyway.

Sadly, the biggest problem is that dead-brained morons believe that everyone has the same belief set. You can use the cost of a date to show the fallacies of modern dating, but the bigger reality is that relationships and marriage have been diminished by boneheads who have rigid expectations of people they haven’t met yet, but want those people to be open to their expectations.

Men paying for dates comes from a time when women were either unemployed or underemployed.

How do we move into an era where women are crowing from the mountaintops about making more money than men (whether it’s true or not), yet still expecting men to pay their way?

Now, here’s the kicker:  that time I just spoke of was never on deck for African Americans. After slavery, Black women went to work just as did Black men. Now, if a Black man earned more than a Black woman, he would likely pay her way, but they rarely, if ever, discussed how much the man should spend and where he should take her. That’s some new ignorance.

Today? How about men and women go on dates prepared to pay their own way so that the focus can be on getting to know each other?

For every woman who complains that men are cheap, a man is complaining that women only care about getting money spent on them. Neither discussion does anything to improve the marriage rate.

Dating, relationships and marriage are all about partnership—all about sharing. If that is the goal, why start off by NOT sharing?

It all comes down to money. Who pays the cost?

Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.”  James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011 and will become a feature film in 2012. View previous installments of this column at Reach James at


2 Responses to “The Bridge: Paying The Cost”

  1. Mr. James:

    I wholeheartedly agree with your comments. In this politically correct vacuum that Black men in particular exist, I appreciate your candor. To be concise, there are many women who are “liberated when it is convenient” and your dating example is a poignant example. If the date is truly about a good time, and we are simply paying a price to breathe the same air and have the company of a particular woman, then how is that a different principle than the one exercised in prostitution. Using Darryl’s math, it would make much better sense economically to procure an escort. This whole idea of having the responsibility of “entertaining” someone smacks of an over – embellished sense of self – importance. I am reading more and more of Black women and their self – esteem issues related to size. Here is an interesting fact: In 1976, adult Black women possessed the best body mass index in the country. In less than 30 years, they have become the most overweight (see CDC or American Obesity Assoc.). Perhaps this need to be entertained and fed in costlier venues has caught up (and caught on). For our men, it is better to be lonely with financial security than to be financially strapped and frustrated!

  2. i understand the guys point on this completely,sexual double standards.women do put pressure on men to be financially stable,pay for dates,have trouble supporting a man struggling financially, unemployed,or living at home. yet if a woman was in the same situation the man would much likely accept her misfortunes.i do believe relationships should be 50/50.while all women can have high expectations of men,the ones who gave me the hardest time over this is black women not other women surprisingly.women can express their feelings easy and wont get criticized,men do it and were told man up,grow up,stop whining,suck it up,crybaby,sissy,get over it and etc.the laws are in favor of women,they win child support cases,they can get away with being violent towards men,but men cant.yes men are usually stronger but dam were expected to be provider,protector and strong all the time. theres no love for men in this society.

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