The Ray Rice Apology: Two Points of View

August 4, 2014
By Gary A. Johnson with contributions from Mildred Muhammad

In today’s 24-hour news cycle, this topic is considered to be “old news.” 4 days ago Baltimore Ravens Running Back Ray Rice, the modern day poster child for domestic violence held a press conference where he spoke for the first time since being arrested for knocking his fiancé unconscious at an Atlantic City casino in February. The NFL “punished” Rice with a two game suspension, which was widely regarded by most sports media observers as insufficient. The length of the suspension, compared with others handed down by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell caused a firestorm of debate. The suspension was so controversial that at least one sports/media broadcaster (Keith Olberman) has called for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to resign his position immediately.

Most of you have probably seen the TMZ video of Ray Rice dragging his then unconscious girlfriend out of an elevator at the Revel Casino in Atlantic City on Valentine’s Day. Rice is seen holding up a motionless Palmer from behind — his arms hooked under her arms and shoulders — dragging her out of the elevator before plopping her down in front of the elevator doors and at one point kicking at her feet. I found that footage to be troubling and disturbing.

I watched the press conference live. I listened attentively in an effort to determine if this guy understands what he did and is truly sorry for his actions. Or was this Ray Rice’s attempt at damage control in an effort to keep his sponsors on-board and save his public image?

Here are two takes (opinions) on this topic. My take and the expert take or opinion of my friend and domestic violence expert Mildred Muhammad. I specifically asked Mildred to share any opinions or insights that she had about the Ray Rice apology. I want to educate myself and others about domestic violence and I want to learn from those who know more about this topic than I do.

Gary’s Take: I have never been a victim of domestic violence, but I have witnessed incidents with family and friends. After watching Ray Rice’s press conference I thought he came off as an individual who is on the right path. He is seeking counseling and it appears to get “it.” I base my assessment on the following observations:

• Ray Rice had some prepared notes and folded them up and spoke extemporaneously from his heart.
• He apologized to his wife, his daughter, his wife’s parents, the community, etc.
• He consistently used the phrase “domestic violence.”
• He said he took responsibility for his actions and noted that he is in therapy/counseling for what he described as the worst action of his life.
• He said that when he gets right, that he will commit his life to helping victims of domestic violence.

And yet, there were aspects of that press conference that made me feel uncomfortable. At one point during his press conference Ray Rice said the following: “My actions that night were totally inexcusable. That’s not me. That’s something I have to live with the rest of my life.” That’s not me? 

Ray, that was you.  The video does not lie.  Hopefully, continued counseling will help you come to terms that that was you.

Mildred’s Take: First off, Ray Rice has been going through counseling. It’s a positive step that he apologized to his wife, (which he forgot to do in their joint press conference a few weeks earlier). It’s good that Ray apologized for his actions and took responsibility for what he did.

However, he’s positioning himself as a victim as well. He’s connecting his pain with his wife’s’ pain and her pain with his pain when the two are not the same. He knocked her out; she didn’t do that to him. Whatever she did to him in that elevator did not warrant him knocking her out. There are ways you can defend yourself without brutal force. We are talking about a running back who is tackled by 300 or so pound men. He’s hit all the time. A man has to realize that the power behind his punch, shove or hit is so much more than a woman.

His pain is associated with the shame of being captured on tape and how he let everyone down (his mother, her parents, coaches, teammates, etc). Had this not been publicized, we would not be having this discussion.

Ray Rice said his pain is associated with his daughter and how he will have to explain what he did to her mother. He did not speak to or discuss his wife’s pain or what she must be feeling and how this has affected her. On the other hand perhaps he shouldn’t. She is the only one who can speak to this and I don’t believe we will hear from her. She is being counseled and protected during this time, as she should be. I know she is in a lot of pain and probably blaming herself.

He did speak for his wife when he promised that “when the time is right” he and his wife would become active in raising awareness about domestic violence. Everything he says, he includes her instead of just speaking for himself. He speaks like he was the one assaulted and he is going to go out and speak to the world about domestic violence. I don’t think Ray Rice understands that he will be speaking as an abuser.

He doesn’t want to talk about what happened in the elevator because, during his counseling, he was made aware that he was wrong. If he says in public what happened in that elevator, he will make his situation worse. Right now, it sounds like he feels he was wronged. He’s speaking to two different things in one interview.

I hope Ray Rice continues his counseling so he can come to accept what he did and will be able to separate his pain from his wife’s pain.

What do you think?

Mildred D. Muhammad is the ex-wife of John Allen Muhammad – the convicted and executed DC sniper who terrorized the Washington DC metropolitan area in late 2002. To learn more about Mildred and her work via her website Mildred Muhammad.com and through our main website at Black Men In America.com.

Gary A. Johnson is the Founder & Publisher of Black Men In America.com a popular online magazine on the Internet and the Black Men In America.com Blog. Gary is also the author of the book “25 Things That Really Matter In Life.” 

Mildred Muhammad’s Message to Women Facing Domestic Abuse

Mildred Muhammad appeared on the Katie Couric TV show today.  Mildred, the DC Sniper’s ex-wife, shared a message to those who are in an abusive relationship.  Click here to watch Mildred’s deliver her message or click on the following link:  http://bcove.me/6ngk4438.

After several years of silence, Mildred decided to speak openly about her day-to-day experiences as a survivor of domestic violence and how it affected her three children.  She’s also dedicated much of her life to helping others cope with domestic violence and abuse.

Click here to learn more about Mildred and her foundation “After The Trauma.”

What Is Emotional Abuse?

By Mildred Muhammad

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching”, or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
Emotional abuse can also be called psychological abuse, mental abuse. If it occurs within a family it can be called psychological incest or emotional incest.

Mildred Muhammad is the Executive Director of After The Trauma.  A non-profit organization established, based upon my own experience, to assist survivors of domestic violence.  Click here to learn more about how to protect yourself from domestic violence and abuse.

‎“Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? 

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.”

-Author Unknown

Mildred Muhammad Speaks – Exclusive Video Interview with Former Wife of the D.C. Sniper

By Gary Johnson, Founder/Publisher – Black Men In America.com

Mildred D. Muhammad is the ex-wife of John Allen Muhammad – the convicted and recently executed DC sniper who terrorized the Washington DC metropolitan area in late 2002.  After several years of silence, Mildred decided to speak openly about her day-to-day experiences as a survivor of domestic violence and how it affected her three children.

I had seen Mildred’s interviews on CNN and FOX News. Some of the questions appeared to be anything but “fair and balanced” and the interviews were short.  There wasn’t enough time for Mildred to adequately address the questions.

I decided to reach out to Mildred to give her an opportunity to tell her story uninterrupted.

Mildred agreed to an unscripted and unrehearsed interview.  I assigned this task to Janice Wilson and off we went to tape the interview at Mildred’s office a few weeks ago (December 2009).  We divided the interview into six parts.  Part One of the interview is listed below.

As you watch and listen to Mildred’s story you will learn that Mildred did not seek the limelight.  She was thrust into the spotlight because her former husband was John Allen Muhammad. Mildred new book, “Scared Silent,” details her her day-to-day experiences as a survivor of domestic violence and how it affected her three children.  A lot has been said about Mildred and why she wrote this book.  Mildred has dedicated her life to helping survivors of domestic violence and abuse.  I believe in telling her story, she is doing the work of others.  Don’t take my word for it, watch and listen for yourself.

Mildred Muhammad and Janice Wilson

Mildred has agreed to write a monthly column on surviving domestic violence and abuse.  You can read her column and buy her book on the main web site at www.blackmeninamerica.com/abuse.htm.

 

Any thoughts about Mildred and her story?  Click on the links below to watch Janice Wilson’s exclusive six part interview with Mildred Muhammad.

I am Mildred Muhammad.  I am the Executive Director of After The Trauma.  A non-profit organization established, based upon my own experience, to assist survivors of domestic violence.

I am a consultant with the Office for Victims of Crime and a board member of different domestic violence organizations. I have become a national spokesperson for domestic violence and I have been and continue to be honored as being the keynote speaker, telling my story for several conferences, workshops and seminars regarding domestic violence.

I share my expertise on what it’s like being a victim and a survivor of domestic violence without physical scars to victims and survivors of domestic violence, advocates, law enforcements, therapists, counselors, mental health providers, medical health providers, various universities and many others.  I have participated in training law enforcements regarding victims of domestic violence without physical scars.  I have received many awards, recognitions and certificates regarding my work in assisting victims and survivors of domestic violence.  I have written a book titled, “Scared Silent“ which details my emotionally abusive relationship.

You see, my ex husband was the convicted and now executed sniper of the DC metropolitan area, John Allen Muhammad.  Although most believe, based on what the media reported, that the random shootings were about two African American men going around shooting innocent people for financial gain and control of this area.  That is not the truth.

Unfortunately, the random shootings were a cover to hide my murder.  John was to come in as the grieving father to get custody of our children.  It was a domestic violence/custody issue.  Others outside of the DC area know this to be factual because this case originated in Washington State.  Others say that my children and I were not victims.  However, we were the first victims and because we weren’t physically injured or killed, we are looked upon as causing the problem and bringing trouble to this side of the country.

Since there are many definitions for domestic violence, it is difficult to know if you are in an abusive relationship.  So, let’s start there.

What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive, controlling behaviors that some individuals use to control their intimate partners. Domestic violence is any type of violence, abuse or threat of violence that one partner in a relationship commits against another. It includes physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, stalking, economic and verbal abuse.

Examples are punches, kicks, slaps, hits shoves, forcing partner to perform degrading tasks, using degrading remarks, sexual assault, rape, secretly following you around and other tactics used to establish power and control over a partner. Domestic Violence can occur in any relationship, married or unmarried, homosexual and heterosexual.  Now domestic violence is considered an offense if the person who is being abused is dating the ex of a prior relationship.

You see, you either are a victim, a survivor or know someone who is or was either.    This is how badly it has become in our society and yet it is only publicize when the victim is physically mutilated, physically abused or death has occurred.  No one considers the victim is in danger if NO physical scars are present.   Domestic violence does not discriminate.  It doesn’t matter what religion, race, gender, financial or educational status, man, woman, child or elderly.  Domestic violence affects us all either directly or indirectly.

Statistics say that “every 9 to 15 seconds a woman is abused”.  It is unfortunate when we hear or see this, we automatically think a physical assault has occurred.  I am striving to shift the thinking of society.  When you begin to hear statistics from others, instead of thinking of the number ‘9’ or ’15’ and someone being hit…think of ‘number 1’ and what has occurred.

It began as a verbal assault.  Someone said a hurtful remark and now emotions are out of control!  Soon, yelling begins, name calling, the effort to destroy the others’ character and then…a physical assault.  Most times, a physical assault is not the result.  However, with such anger, hurtful comments are made that one cannot take back.  Once anger subsides, “I’m sorry” is hard to accept because out of anger, the truth was told.  We have to learn to talk to each other more effectively when a disappointment or a frustration occurs.  Proper communication is one way to alter the path of a domestic dispute.

I want to personally thank Gary Johnson for this opportunity to expand my work in assisting victims and survivors of domestic violence.  This monthly article will be published through Black Men In America.com and their effort to heighten awareness regarding domestic abuse/violence.  This article will focus on abuse regarding the victim, survivor, abuser, children and the elderly.

I hope you will continue to visit the site and read the articles. It is my hope and prayer that the information provided will assist those who need it and act as a resource to those who know someone in an abusive relationship.

If you find that you need assistance, you may e-mail me directly at Mildred@afterthetrauma.org.  I will respond as soon as I receive your message.  I will assist you as best I can. Please remember…YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

You can also follow me on Facebook and Twitter.

Take good care of yourself,

Mildred