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By Darryl James
How sad is it that in today’s economy, women are still complaining about how much men spend on dates?
Really?
First off, dating is supposed to be a process by which two individuals get to know each other. If you already have rigid standards and expectations of people you haven’t even met, chances are things won’t go well when you do meet.
For women who are on this silly program, think about this: What if the man you expect to spend a certain amount of money on a date, has expectations of getting you naked the same night? Would you judge him for having unreasonable expectations? Is he being unreasonable or are you?
Who is right and who is wrong? Who is to say when there are no real standards in dating anymore?
Let’s be honest (even though it will make a lot of stupid people angry): The women who claim to be “old school” to excuse their unreasonable standards and expectations are full of it. Women in the “old school” actually used to cook for dates. Women also used to be polite enough to go with a man to wherever he took her, even if she didn’t like the place, but especially if she liked the man. Why? Because it was all about getting to know each other.
It’s just sad that so many women are complaining about where a date took them or how much he spent, but not many are conversing about what they contribute to the dating process, as if men owe them something because they want to get to know them.
And we’ve all heard dead brained loser women state that men who are unwilling or unable to spend “enough” money on dates shouldn’t date.
So, because someone who doesn’t know you and may not even like you doesn’t want to invest in spending money entertaining you, they should go into dating exile?
Slap yourself.
I’ve used this example in discussions about dating to make the point clear to people who still have active brain cells: Our president, Barack Obama was not only low on funds when he met Michelle, but he was UNEMPLOYED! She helped him get a job and certainly didn’t chastise him about not being able to spend $200 on a date. Why? Because she was interested in being his life partner, not some line item in his dating budget.
Let’s do the math here: If a man spends $100 on dating four times each month, he will spend $400 each month, which equals $4800 per year. That is the equivalent of a car payment or the down payment on a house. If a woman is seeking to be a life partner, I doubt that she would want that kind of money to be blown. Now, if she’s just looking for the good time, then she shouldn’t judge the man who is also looking for the good time…
A fair exchange is no robbery.
Now, I realize that the math may be a problem for stupid people, but frankly, the people (men and women) who think it’s reasonable for a man to be judged by the amount of money he spends on dating are stupid anyway.
Sadly, the biggest problem is that dead-brained morons believe that everyone has the same belief set. You can use the cost of a date to show the fallacies of modern dating, but the bigger reality is that relationships and marriage have been diminished by boneheads who have rigid expectations of people they haven’t met yet, but want those people to be open to their expectations.
Men paying for dates comes from a time when women were either unemployed or underemployed.
How do we move into an era where women are crowing from the mountaintops about making more money than men (whether it’s true or not), yet still expecting men to pay their way?
Now, here’s the kicker: that time I just spoke of was never on deck for African Americans. After slavery, Black women went to work just as did Black men. Now, if a Black man earned more than a Black woman, he would likely pay her way, but they rarely, if ever, discussed how much the man should spend and where he should take her. That’s some new ignorance.
Today? How about men and women go on dates prepared to pay their own way so that the focus can be on getting to know each other?
For every woman who complains that men are cheap, a man is complaining that women only care about getting money spent on them. Neither discussion does anything to improve the marriage rate.
Dating, relationships and marriage are all about partnership—all about sharing. If that is the goal, why start off by NOT sharing?
It all comes down to money. Who pays the cost?
Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.” James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011 and will become a feature film in 2012. View previous installments of this column at http://www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com.
Our friend and a favorite filmmaker Janks Morton’s groundbreaking film “What Black Men Think” will be featured on the Documentary Channel. Click here for more details.
By Nicholas Maurice Young, Ph. D.
Recently, I watched the movie Act Like A Man. It chronicles the lives of five men, and their dealings with women. The movie is based on a best-selling How-To manual for women in dealing with, and dating men. The book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man attempts to provide a philosophical blueprint for women that want to understand the thinking and behavior of men.
The movie follows the lives of the five men and the women that each man desires. It shows the inherent fallacy of many male-female relationships: Men pursue women with the hope that they will have sex with her; Women pursue men to connect with “Mr. Right,” or the guy that has the right bank account, and social status. Or, so the story goes.
Why are men and women engaging in this destructive dance of indiscretion?—an exercise that leaves both parties emotionally deficient and intellectually insecure to see the error of their ways?. I believe that many men and a growing number of women behave this way because many of them lack the courage to be different.
For me, the courage to be different comes in at least three forms. The first form involves being able too see differently about the object of your affection. For me, the primary problem in this area involves around seeing a women as nothing more than a sexual object. When I was six or seven years old, I often admired the girls I was around. While I was initially attracted to a girl’s personality, I almost always was more attracted to her physical features—her breast and ass. Especially her ass. Much like the other boys I was around, I always found a woman’s ass the object of my sexual fantasy. As I got older, my friends and I always measured a girl’s sexual readiness by the circumference of her ass, and the size of the “gap” that we believed existed between her thighs, below her vagina. For us, having sex with a girl was the primary measure of our maturity and our readiness for manhood.
The second area of courage that I believe is lacking among some Black men involves the ability to think differently about women. As I suggested above, not being about to think differently about women has led many of us to think that women can be viewed as sexual objects, instead of objects of our genuine affection. The thinking behind the development of this opinion can be located, I think, in the conversations that many men have with their uncles and fellow young men. Personally, I do not know many, or any fathers that give their sons this kind of advice. This possibility is due in large part to the absence of fathers in the lives of young Black boys and men. I believe that the perpetual paucity of Black fathers in the lives of young Black boys creates a void in the hearts of young Black men about the proper way to think about and see the beauty of a woman. Hence, the ability of many men to do the third, and final component of courage: acting differently.
I see the ability to act differently as the most important aspect to finding and or locating the courage to be different; however, it is a skill that is dependant on the first two phases of courage. Acting differently first requires the ability to see a woman and admire her intelligence, kindness, beauty, and recognize that she is the most beautiful creature on the planet. Second, a man must recognize that he does not have to be like other men. He must recognize that he can be his own person. Thus, in doing so, he must see that calling a woman a “Ho” or “Bitch;’ stepping out on his woman; believing that making love to his woman is the same as fucking her (although some women like to be treated this way) is usually the wrong way to show her affection.
In short, I believe that the inability of some men to recognize that some of our problems with women can be found in our inability to recognize that some of us lack the courage to see, think, and act differently about ourselves, women, children, and other people around us.
Your thoughts?
By Darryl James
There is a choice to be made.
We have to be conscious and choose for ourselves, otherwise others will choose for us.
We have to choose between loving each other or embracing the growing acrimony that is festering on both sides of the gender divide.
Black males and females are at war with each other in many corners of this nation. Hateful things are being said back and forth, and things are getting critical.
I’ve been trying to move people by tapping into the hot topics that cut deep into human nature. The upside is that some of us are awake and realize that even if we disagree, we can still be committed to our people, or at least have a discussion about the divergences. The downside is that many of us have no idea how to have a conversation. I get literal demands from people to have discussions with them after they have cursed me or disrespected me in their disagreement with me.
I get suggestions to “be nice,” and to “soften my rhetoric” in order that more may hear me. But no matter how much poetry we put on it, things are still ugly and I will reach only those who are reachable, no matter what approach I employ.
The ironic part is that the demands to be nice frequently come from hateful idiots who are being anything but nice.
Besides, where is it written that hateful idiots can spew their waste at me, while I take some high road and maintain decorum?
Hate is hard to resist.
It’s like the dark side of the force—its evil, but seductive. It’s like the matrix—you can become a part of it and not even know that the real world has ceased to exist.
The problem with people who are essentially self-hating, is that they have been laying their ignorant hatred on everyone and no one has checked them properly. The lack of checking has given them a false sense of relevance and a reason to share their vile brain defecation with other people they infect.
Stephanie Mills sang a song about learning to respect the power of love. It is real, because love is powerful. But we must also learn to respect the equal and opposite of love–hate, which is just as powerful.
You see, as humans, we are but vessels. Whatever you put inside is what will grow and spew forth. If you fill yourself with love and good thoughts, you will be a nicer and more loving person. If you fill yourself with hateful thoughts and listen to hateful angry messages, you will spew meanness without even realizing it all the time.
That’s what is affecting some of our sisters who imagine themselves to be gentle, loving women, but can not understand why men they desire do not want to be around them. There is nothing desirable about a mean woman with a bad attitude and a cross disposition.
I have witnessed women I know allow themselves to be turned into something less than womanly by a group of hateful women, and then wonder why men are repulsed.
For many women who complain about not being able to find a man, I say that men may find you first and run.
At some point, it has become tiresome to hear about the lack of good Black men, because people are still getting married, which means that maybe some people just aren’t getting what they want because they are not meant to have it.
To be clear, there is a serious difference between a strong woman and someone who is sour, bitter and mean.
And there is a difference between being a strong man and someone who simply carries a bad attitude close to being bitchy.
But we hear the vitriol from women far more than men.
As I have already discussed, there are some real reasons why Black women are finding it hard to secure marriage over the age of 35. However, there are some real reasons that make it even harder and unresolved anger directed at every man who comes into your life is one of them.
Who started it?
Who cares?
Let’s just work on the resolution.
Making hate instead of love is not the resolution.
All I can say is that I am glad I’m not Jesus, because I can not love everyone and I won’t try. I prefer Allah in the Koran and God in the Old Testament of the Bible—if he didn’t like what he saw, he would bring down the vengeance and rain down pain and trouble.
What I will never understand is why some people can’t just disagree and move on. Why do they have to get all worked up and send hate mail to someone they do not know or post hatred on an internet discussion thread?
I already knew how to deal with hate, but now I am more focused than ever before.
I know that I have to be swift, sure and exact when dealing with hate. I confront it, redirect it, return it and then move one.
So, if you get an ugly email or post from me, after which you never hear from me again, its because I am returning your hatred and not allowing you to bring me any more.
You can’t leave your hatred with me, because it isn’t mine to begin with.
It’s yours and you should be making love instead of hate.
Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.” James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011and returns to the stage in March of 2012. View previous installments of this column at http://www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com.
These avatars, courtesy of “xtranormal,” can talk and bring out points for discussion about relationships without the emotions that are often attached to the human dialogue. Alternative methods to generate “critical conversations” should not be frowned upon, they should be welcomed.
From the creators of the award winning web site Black and Married With Kids.com comes a ground breaking documentary set to challenge negative stereotypes surrounding marriage and parenting in the black community.
Couples and experts discuss topics such as the image and portrayal of black marriages and families, the effect the Obamas will have on marriage in the black community and the importance of parenting.
Click here to purchase your copy now.
(Or, How The ” I Got The Hook-up Mentality” Is Killing Black Independent Filmmakers)
By Janks Morton
August 19, 2009
This evening I finally decided to set aside an evening to blog. It’s not that I don’t enjoy expressing myself through this venue; it’s just this one little obstacle I have to get over every time I sit down to hunt and peck at the keyboard (yep, never took a typing class)–I HATE WRITING! No exceptions, no quorums, lots of complaints, but at this stage in life, I’ve come to accept it as just one of those things.
Over the past couple of years my posts have devolved from social, artistic and political commentary, to a “cut, copy and paste” of interesting articles followed by some pretty weak one line zingers. And good lord help me since I’ve discovered re-tweeting on twitter. My seldom written and overreaching diatribes have been pretty much non-existent. Not to say I haven’t been busy shooting off at the mouth in pretty much any forum that would have me, but enough of the rambling and on to the story…
So this past weekend I was having a conversation with a dear friend of mine some of you may know. Lamar Tyler of BlackandMarriedwithKids.com is also an up and coming filmmaker and between his website and the film, is becoming a force to be reckoned with. Check out a sample of his work.
(I’m going to have to really keep my eye on him, his movie “Happily Ever After “just passed my film on AMAZON.com. My competitive streak is kicking in and I will win!) Well Saturday morning, early in the conversation, he proudly announced on the phone, “Man, we just passed 10,000 fans on our Facebook fan page today!” Point for celebration correct? Maybe. In a very cynical tone my follow-up question to this moment of reserved jubilee was. “So how’s the DVD sales going?’ After a downturn of his emotions and a slight pause, Lamar said “…..well” at this juncture…” I interjected and saved him from having to express his frustrations and finished his sentence with “Yeah, you know how we do…”And therein lies the premise of this blog and the ongoing saga of the trials and tribulations of independent filmmaking.
The back story and underlying support for this blazing generalization of “you know how we do” are two fold, and while I have a lifetime of experience and perceptions to assert this negative stereotype, I will reference two recent incidents to make my point.
Incident #1: After a stirring and heart-felt presentation at a very large mega church in Prince George’s County Maryland (a suburb of Washington, DC), a fine and upstanding member of the highly visible law enforcement division, walks up to me with the following statement. “Brother (I immediately begin to wonder if I paid those 4 parking tickets), I just wanted to say that your documentary and presentation is one of the most important messages I have ever seen, and the DVD would be a valuable resource for the young men we work with.” (Whew!) The officer continued and asked: “Would you mind if I burned a couple of copies for some of my team members so they can use them at their respective facilities?” Hopefully you can hear the sound of tires screeching in my head, or that scratching noise old record needles use to make. And while the proper english, and professional demeanor of this gentleman was impressive, the logic seemed to escape me.
Fortunately I no longer swear in public because in my mind something along the lines of “Motherf%#@, don’t yawl arrest people for that stuff ?” (Feel free to insert your curse word of preference anywhere in the previous sentence). Considering we were in church and he was carrying a firearm, I simply replied: “C’mon brother, I ain’t got Sony pictures behind me, it’s just me, so can you….” As I was speaking I could see the look of, “Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah” coming across his face as to have an epiphany and close the conversation with “Oh dag, my bad.”
Incident #2: This past weekend at another church another heart-felt, passionate member began to speak. This was right after I was trying to compose myself. (My session on the topic of forgiveness almost always brings me to tears.) Now I just delivered an inspiring message to about 100 members and had one of the best home cooked sausage eggs and home fry deals I’ve had since I’ve been on tour. I don’t want to give a “purchase product” lecture after just had a free meal, a free movie screening and a free sermon. During the Q&A segment, a brother stands up in front of everyone and says: “Brother, I love what you have put together here. I got this (so and so) hook up in Chicago, with these brothers that are doing (such and such). Can I burn a copy of this to send to them to help you out?
I stopped and looked out into the audience. The audience members looked at me. I grinned, tilted my head with a “deer stuck in the headlights look,” and replied “Are you kidding me?” Once again, good fortune prevailed. The audience was amused, and the gentleman made sure to come after the program and apologize profusely about his error, and of course I replied, “It’s cool, you know how we do…”
So back to my conversation with Lamar. Several days prior I realized that between all the YouTube, MySpace, FaceBook and other web outlets, I have over 500,000 views of my videos, and God only knows how many hits to the BlackPlanet, Washington Post, CNN and all that other stuff out there. “Man if I could just get 10% of these fans to buy the DVD I would be straight!” stresses Lamar. My final reply was “Man, if I just had one dollar from just the views on the PSA it would be over. I would be set.”
“But you know cuz, it’s just the way it is. you know how we do…”” I continued. Black people, you gotta love ‘em, but we missed the memo that seems to be circulating amongst a lot of other groups throughout this country. I hate to play the whole slavery card, and the subsequent socialization process of making something out of nothing, however on the topic of the intrinsic value of supportive commercewe seem to miss connecting all the dots. “I’ve been thinking about writing a blog about this for a very long time but it’s such a touchy subject and a very fine line to walk, I think it could tick more people off than inspire” was how I finished the conversation with Lamar.
So at this juncture I’ll do what it is I always do, provide a couple of case studies for your amusment. Exhibit A. that dog gone Jeff Foxworthy (or the Caucasian version of the chittlin circuit). This dude basically drops these series of stand up comdeianic self deprecating, culture denigrating narratives, that are so uniquely, well, redneck, I have difficulty following the humor most times. It took me two whole days to catch this joke about matching salad bowls and cool whip containers, but I digress. My point, self-described rednecks ate that stuff up, and the intrinsic value of supportive commerce we began to kick in. In other words, they began to support their own through purchases, word of mouth and other mechanisms. The other examples I would defer to would be Van Halen, Master P, and MC Hammer, but want to use them as a point of differentiation because they are musical entertainment (one of the few durable goods you’re allowed to consume, entirely, prior to purchase). Point being, that these acts probably were supported by as little as 20,000 followers at the time of their “big record deals” and commanded high percentages and millions at the table.
I’ll closed out with my other, not so favorite Tyler (Perry), and how long he was on the scene as a playwright in the church circuit before he got any type of nod from Lionsgate. Both Lamar and I use a documentary style format to advance socio-political-spiritual ideologues, i.e. restoration of black families, or positive images of healthy black marriages, and while it may not be as dramatic as say, a grown man in a dress going to another family reunion, with the latest gospel track kicking at the climax, our works are actually capturing the heart, mind and souls of what is happening today in our community, and hopefully, about a 100 years from now, these films can truly be looked upon as documenting what the deal really was from our own lenses.
So what’s all the fuss about? What’s to stop us from continuing along our respective paths?
Let me give you insight to the world many of independent filmmakers live. Tim Alexander, Eric McKay, Andrea Wiley and a whole slew of “up and comers” are doing some things absolutely groundbreaking, totally unheard of, and by Hollywood’s standards, a little bit crazy.
What we do is pay for our own stuff. No backers, no financing, no grants, no foundations, just us. I think the challenge is making the general public understand what goes on behind the scenes to take on these efforts. The blood,the sweat and the tears I have seen most of us go through in order to deliver a quality product to market. I’ve seen 2nd mortgages, foreclosures, pawning of cameras, bankruptcies, and a slew of financial worries, to make most thankful for their 9 to 5’s. Hell I’ve even had to start plucking more gray hairs monthly because of these endeavors. And please let us NOT begin the narrative of early morning chest pains that jump up until that first cup of coffee.
My point, you may ask again? You gotta love my people to do what we do. We all have always heard the clarion call of support our own. From the Black Buying Boycott day (still ticked at whoever came up with that idea, zero units sold for 2 days on AMAZON) to the Black Shopping Network, to the “I’m down for supporting Black products, Brother (fist raised) ” I meet no matter what city I’m in. The challenge is that more often than not, our attitudes just don’t seem to translate into actions when it comes to specific independent efforts outside of music. I know probably one of the greatest spoken word poets ever in Taalam Acey.
If talent equated to compensation for your efforts, this man would make Donald Trump look poor. Gary Johnson, of BlackMenInAmerica.com and author of book “25 Things That Really Matter In Life,” an inspiring book, should be part of your daily read for like a year. And finally Lamar Tyler with his 10,000 fans on FaceBook. What do we all have in common? All struggling to keep the electricity on, thinking about disconnecting the phone lines because of that HELOC loan that slipped behind, or dang, “If I could just manage to get 20 of the 100 people at this event to understand if they loved this so much, and you want to see more of it, you kind of have to buy something to support it.”
I know this is touchy with us, and I KNOW HOW WE DO, with that being said, I wanted to give anyone out their some direction around this whole deal; in the Jerry McGuire diatribe of “help me, help you”. This is a tough line to walk, I don’t want to instill guilt to manipulate. I don’t want to appear to be grumpy and definitely don’t want to seem like we’re begging. With that being said, here’s a stab at a specific course of action that will ensure that this art form doesn’t turn into, well, MC HAMMER, here today, gone tomorrow, and back in 20 years.
In bullet points, and summary:
Thanks, we love you, and truly appreciate the hook-up.
Jynx
About the Author: Janks Morton is an award winning and critically acclaimed filmmaker responsible for bringing us “What Black Men Think,” and Men II Boys, two of the most talked about documentaries of the past two decades.
This is going to sound a little blasphemous to the uber-nationalist among us but I don’t think that if you find someone who you fall in love with and who can put with your crazy butt, and vice versa, you should marry them regardless of race, class, or creed. While I understand the wish to marry someone of a common background, I believe it’s foolish to reject someone with whom you feel a real connection because they are of a different culture. That is why I’m a little confused when the fact that 41% of African American Women have never been married is blamed on a lack of eligible African American men. Besides the myth of low numbers of eligible African American men, I find the idea that African American women’s love lives are limited by forces they cannot control to be foolish.
Life is really short. Personally it feels like the years go by faster the older I get. Being in an intercultural relationship myself, my girlfriend’s a Luo from Kenya, I got to say there are some differences you have to get over but if it’s the right person you should go for it. For those whose preferences are based on race please keep in mind our ancestry as African Americans. None of us is going to win best in show as a pure breed and racial purity isn’t really that important considering that we only have one shot at life and a limited amount of time to enjoy it.
Marry who you want regardless of race and culture. If you’re single and don’t want to be it’s probably you. If you think that every member of the opposite sex is a jerk you, and I say this without any sarcasm, have issues you need to work out. And if you think the sole reason that you’re single is the lack of eligible Black men, or women, you need to open your horizons and change your attitude. It’s not down low brothers, or guys going to Rio. Its not gold diggers or stuck up BAPS. It’s a narrow world vision and a bad attitude.
Brandon Whitney is the creator of Homelandcolors.blogspot.com a blog that focuses on issues that affect the African American community. He is also a frequent guest on News and Notes’ Blogger Roundtable. Brandon has political experience as an Outreach Director for the Democratic party and is passionate about being a positive force in his community regarding African American issues. He is also a frequent guest on News and Notes’ Blogger Roundtable. You can read more of Brandon’s work at Homeland Colors.
Disclaimer: All the information on this website is published in good faith and for general information purpose only. The statements and opinions of The Thought Brothers and Calculations Talk Show are their personal opinions, and not the opinions of their employers, associates and affiliates. Any action you take is strictly at your own risk. This is a partial catalog of podcasts produced by Gary Johnson Media (GJM). For more information about Gary Johnson Media visit www.garyjohnsoncompany.com or www.calculationstalkshow.com.
Disclaimer: All the information on this website is published in good faith and for general information purpose only. The statements and opinions of The Thought Brothers are their personal opinions, and not the opinions of their employers, associates and affiliates. Any action you take is strictly at your own risk. The Thought Brothers discuss the NBA Championship. Is Denver a lock to win this year’s NBA title? Can the Miami Heat even the series by winning Game 2? How many games will the NBA suspend Ja Morant. The guys also discuss the reported departure of FOX Sports co-host Shannon Sharpe […]
The first solar calendar was developed by Africans approximately 4,240/41 BCE (Before Common Era) and was aligned with the natural flow of the solar year in the Northern Hemisphere. The calendar used in most parts of the world today was developed in Africa, copied and modified by the Romans. The African American Cultural Center and Museum of Palm Coast is hosting a celebration of the original African New Year on June 21, 2023, at 10:00 AM to 12:00 PM. For more information visit www.aacspalmcoast.org.
Episode 1: (May 26, 2023) Dr. Fredrick Douglass Clark is a graduate of Howard University Dental School, one of the best in the country. He has been a dentist for years and has been through several post graduate courses in different fields of dentistry since receiving his DDS degree. His emphasis on patient comfort as well as keeping up-to-date with the latest advancements in dentistry enable him to provide his patients with the best quality of care in the field. Dr. Clark has a wide range of experience in different areas of dentistry, from cosmetic and restorative dentistry to surgical […]
Disclaimer: All the information on this website is published in good faith and for general information purpose only. The statements and opinions of The Thought Brothers are their personal opinions, and not the opinions of their employers, associates and affiliates. Any action you take is strictly at your own risk. Season 1 Episode 14: The Thought Brothers led by “The Banker” Carlos Prillman talks about the legacy of NFL Hall of Famer and Running Back Jim Brown, who recently passed away, and the NBA Playoffs. Will LeBron retire? Is Denver a lock to win this year’s NBA title? The group […]
The musical BORN TO SWING tells the story of the 85-year career of a renowned concert pianist, composer/arranger, entertainer, and philanthropist Lillette Harris (later known as Lillette Jenkins). It also tells how she and her husband, Actor & Comedian Bud Harris, 1945 were the first Blacks to own Lillette’s Rhythm Club, a Nightclub, Casino, and Hotel in Sparks-Reno Nevada during the racially charged Jim Crow era. While performing concerts around the world she also entertained the troops for four years in the USO during World War II. She later recorded five separate jazz and gospel albums that are still selling. […]
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Black Men In America 