We Failed Us First

By Darryl James

Not only am I not surprised at the Zimmerman verdict, but I’m kinda numb instead of being angry at the racists in the system for doing what racists do. This nation is full of seething, ignorant, hateful racist people who openly hate Black people.

But I can’t be surprised, because I never stopped realizing it.

And I can’t be all that angry at racist dogs for acting like racist dogs.

I am, however angry at all the stupid Black people for acting like they have some righteous indignation, when really, the chickens are coming home to roost.

Yes, the chickens are coming home to roost for Black people in America, because being crapped on openly is the wages of failing to protect ourselves.

Particularly when we fight so hard for others.

While we dedicated our energy to the cause of gay marriage, we failed to protect ourselves.

While we cried tears of angst and fought for illegal immigrants (many of whom hate our damned guts), we failed to protect ourselves.

While we lied about there being more Black men in prison than in college, we failed to protect ourselves in prison or in college.

While self-hating Black men pretended  that all Black women are the same as the ones who hurt them and so advocate for dating women other than Black women, we failed to protect ourselves.

While Black men refused to hunt down and beat the crap out of Black men who abandon children, harm women or children, or walk around with their filthy drawers showing, we failed to protect ourselves.

While Black women pretended that Black people have the luxury of solely blaming Black men for abandoning children that Black women knowingly made with poor excuses for men who fail to protect anyone, we failed to protect ourselves.

And, while many of those same Black women go on television and in any given magazine to tell the world that Black men don’t love them anymore and that dating white men is their only solution, while they, in doing so, no longer love Black men, we failed to protect ourselves.

While dead-brained knee-grows found some detached justice in watching Michael Vick get sent to prison for dog fighting or cheered ignorantly watching Wesley Snipes get sent to prison for tax evasion, we failed to protect ourselves.

While we allowed stupid, selfish, frightened little men and women to “lead” us into nowhere and nothing good, we failed to protect ourselves.

While we failed to build a powerful, financially viable coalition to force our first Black president to attend to our needs the way powerful, financially viable coalitions forced him to attend to their needs, thinking that he would do something for us simply because he has Black skin, we failed to protect ourselves.

While we lied about the reasons young Black men are shooting each other in the streets of Chicago because we are afraid to get in those same streets and understand, we failed to protect ourselves.

While we proclaimed some kind of sick glory in Tyler Perry wearing a dress, or twisted beauty in films that show us as beasts (even when they are made by us), or films that show us as “The Help,” or in clown ass knee-grows dancing, because “at least they are making money,” we failed to protect ourselves.

While the dumbest of us argue over the word Nigger and how some fake ass “revolution” was witnessed in “changing the meaning of the word,” we failed to protect ourselves.

While we lovingly supported dumb ass comedians and ignorant ass rappers who make a living downgrading us for jokes and rhymes, we failed to protect ourselves.

While we get no justice because America and the world over knows, WE FAIL TO PROTECT OURSELVES.

I grew up in the hood, where, like any other predatory grounds of violence and mayhem, the prey are those who have no protection.

And everyone knows that we protect anyone BUT ourselves.

So, why would a racist system protect us?

And, why would we be surprised?

As the father of a young Black boy who has to grow up in a nation where stupid ass knee-grows failed to protect themselves, the question is: “What will I do?”

My answer remains the same: “I will protect my own.”

The Evolution of Sex

By Darryl James

Ev·o·lu·tion:  any process of formation or growth; development

Whenever humans want to do something divergent from what is “traditional,” the first route of making things easier to digest is to call it “evolution.”

Sometimes, it is evolution. For example, eliminating slavery was growth toward man’s humanity to man. Abuse and evil are things to be evolved away from.

Garnering parity within the national community for all citizens is evolution for America, even though we’re not there yet.

But sometimes, people label something evolution or revolution, and its frankly, the opposite, or just stagnation.

Take the so-called “sexual revolution” for example. Without any real “evolution,” it was just something people did. Since that era, there has been more sex, but no real growth in ideas about sex and/or sexuality–just chaos and confusion. Particularly, since the results are arguably negative and backward, which is a sign of de-evolution.

Have we arrived at a place where we can exchange sex freely without connecting it to anything?

The answer can only be determined by examining what once was and what currently is.

In the 60’s people talked about a sexual revolution with the lie of “free love,” but all that happened was the de-evolution of love and relationships as people began to sex more and marry less, because hooking up for sex has become more important than connecting for love. That’s not evolution, that’s de-evolution.

And let’s be honest, men can be whores, because they don’t seek the same needs from a sexual encounter as women—the need to be valued, honored, respected, loved and cherished. Human females have always expected those things when allowing a man to take advantage of their sexuality. Most still want it today—even after participating in free love, hence the pursuit of redefining “whore.”

So what happens when the sex is given and no connection is given in exchange?

Frankly, women and children cannot afford the wages of sexual freedom.

More children raised by single parents is not evolution. More women growing old and alone without companionship and/or protection is not evolution. The world can change and be cold and cruel, but evolution is supposed to be about making us into something better. Sexing more with wider spread of disease and less comfort is not evolution.

Things are worse, not better.

And, while some women want men to make peace with female whorishness, they themselves have difficulty with it. Women rarely revere whores and many go to great lengths to disguise their whorish past, speaking hypothetically about whores they know who should be given freedom.

Participating in discussions with women who want random and prolific sexual proclivities to be recognized as evolution and not just plain whorishness gives another example of the misuse of evolution. Particularly when some of those same women express regret over pursuing lust instead of love, and exchanging sex for gifts or for nothing at all, only to end up with no human emotional attachment after the “freedom” has been expressed.

Things have changed, but that doesn’t make it evolution. There is more sex, but that isn’t growth. After all, isn’t random, unattached sex what humans were doing before we formed societies—before we were civilized?

Here’s what HAS changed: Women who would have been called whores in previous times for exhibiting whorish behavior, today no longer want the label, even though they embrace the actions. The push back is claiming that men are unable to handle the behavior, but if men can’t handle it (which really means men don’t want it), doesn’t that signal that there has been no evolution, particularly since all women aren’t on the same program, leaving men with CHOICES?

There was a time when women kept their sexual partner numbers down because it just made good sense for a lady to do. Now, some just get mad at men for not redefining “lady” and “whore.” Instead of keeping the Poison Principle (from BBD’s song: “Me and the crew used to do her…”), whores now just throw it back on men for being “sensitive.”

Men now hear comments such as:  “You are too ‘sensitive’ for not wanting to wife a woman half the town has sexed,” and “If you were a ‘real man,’ you’d be able to handle the fact that your brother and cousin had your fiance first.”

The bottom line is that neither the whole of men nor the whole of women have really evolved with sex and sexuality–we’ve just begun to talk about it more, and some of us have begun to sex more.

If there were a true evolution, the oxytocin that gets released when a woman is held by a man she has been sexed by wouldn’t be as strong. If we were truly evolved, it would no longer be easy to define a whore and a lady–and, let’s be honest, the definitions have not changed.

Comedian Steve Harvey may not have had evolution on his mind when he penned “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man,” but his message certainly added to the confusion. After all, thinking like something typically leads to acting like that same something.

Frankly, it’s not a good idea for men to be whores either, but the consequences are cheaper to pay for.

Whether you agree or not, the great equalizer has been the widespread transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, attaching a very high cost to “free” love.

That ain’t evolution.

The Bridge: Living In Fear, 2012

By Darryl James

“America is filled with terror from North to South and we thank God.”

-Osama bin Laden

“Either you are with us, or with the terrorists.”

-George Bush

America is supposed to be the greatest nation on earth. Its citizens are supposed to live better than any other nation.

But that just isn’t true. And it hasn’t been true for most Americans for a very long time.

America has been creating a great divide between the “haves,” which are secure, comfortable and ensconced in the American promise of wealth; and the “have nots,” which are insecure, uncomfortable and constantly in fear.

In 2001, that fear was shared with the entire nation, when the nation was attacked and filled with terror.

Flash forward eleven years and while our president hunted down and killed the man thought responsible for the nation’s terror, the citizens still live in fear.

Some citizens live in fear of the never-dissipating threat of terror, which may never leave America.

Some citizens fear the terror from within the borders of America, in the form of constant economic turmoil.

And some citizens fear nothing more than a Black president.

When dimwitted George Bush hunted down and killed Saddam Hussein, the nation gave him credit for taking down a major figure in the reign of terror. Yet, when President Barack Obama hunted down and killed the main figure, Osama bin Laden, many dimwitted Americas want to do anything but give him credit.

Their ultimate fear? Four more years of a Black president.

And these dumb ass Americans are so racist, vile and stupid that they allow their fear to stand stronger than reason, and so pretend away any good the current president has done in favor of continuing to view him in a negative light.

These ignorant bags of crap are willing to pretend that Sarah Palin has a brain, that Mitt Romney has a soul, or that the Rethuglican party has a heart.

And, frankly, I fear the collective stupidity, carelessness and anti-patriotism found in the clownish antics of the Rethuglicans and their closet racist friends the Tea Party.

I fear them because they are ushering the age of racism back to the forefront of America, threatening to blind any real pursuit of American ideals with the wasted, ugly rhetoric of race.

But mostly I fear them because other Americans are actually taking them seriously.

Taking these ignorant, hateful fools seriously would mean jeopardizing an already tenuous economy by providing tax breaks to the rich and taking benefits from the poor.

It would also mean an upheaval in the world economy with a focus on greed and the preservation of the rich and greedy.

It would mean a return to lashing out at any voice that is divergent from the leadership of this nation.

So, in this, an election year, we can focus on the terror from outside of America, or we can focus on the terror within.

I choose to focus primarily on the terror within America, because when someone is in the house, they are better able to wreak havoc on the security than someone outside seeking to tamper with the relative safety and comfort that America could once again enjoy.

Anyone who is awake and aware realizes that we should be as frightened of what could come from abroad as what could come from having an idiot like Romney in the White House, who would just push for more global business opportunities for his friends.

And, any of us who are humanitarian should be frightened that following the national tragedy, many Americans had all but forgotten the pre-existing tragedies like the homeless, the poor and the starving–the huddled masses yearning to be free.

If we are not careful, we will virtually assure that American can never again go back to living in relative fearlessness about violence visiting our shores.

America is a nation of many races, and because it has crushed, killed and destroyed many other peoples along the way to creating your “way of life,” the nation had better take care not to place someone in the white house who does not have a heart for the masses.

Mitt Romney does not.

Immediately following the tragic events of September 11, 2001, I wrote about how sad it was to see an entire nation living in fear.  I wrote about how sad it was that so many people in this nation were so afraid that they were willingly giving up their freedom and all rights to individual thought.

Some Stupid Ass Americans were so frightened that in their fear and ignorance, they began lashing out at other Americans of Arabic descent or of Islamic faith.

Eleven years later, we see the same fear, ignorance and willingness to give up freedoms entrenched in the people of this country as much as any other portion of American life.

We are about as safe as we ever were, which means that we really aren’t.  But there are ways that we can make this nation and accordingly, the world, a bit safer.

We can reduce American corporate world greed, stop beating on other nations for oil and stop playing world police/bully.

There are also a few things that America should clean up at home first to make it a better nation and less of a hypocrite.

Like American racism, American greed and obfuscated American politics.

Then, perhaps it would make sense to police the world.

And then perhaps we wouldn’t have to live in fear.

 

The Bridge: The Influence of Man

By Darryl James

High School basketball star Tony Farmer stole his way into his ex-girlfriend’s apartment building where he beat and kicked the crap out of her. He took her belongings, berated her and attempted to drag her out of her building by her hair to do her further harm.

This was the beginning of the end of a promising basketball career.

This was also the center of yet another saga of a young Black man who was raised without the influence of men.

Were there men in his life? Possibly. But there was no central figure standing as father. And without that, Tony Farmer grew into a beast of a male, who, while still a teenager, held a festering rage within him that could have exploded at anyone it was aimed at.

Unfortunately, it was aimed at his ex-girlfriend.

This situation–both sides–makes it clear why Black Men must respond to the war on manhood that the nation initiated and that Black Women joined when they colluded with the system to remove the Black Man from the family and the community.

In some less destructive manner, this has always been around in white communities and others, but it is running rampant in our community because too many children are being raised not only without a father, but without the influence of men.

My point is not to blame that little girl, or even to castigate that animalistic BOY who beasted on her, but to blame our entire community of adults for not understanding the consequences of allowing women to raise children without the influence of men.

Leaving women to raise kids alone is the worst thing we could ever do and as a community, we should be fighting the system and yes, fighting against the women who seek to keep men out of the lives of kids. We should also kick the crap out of males who walk away without even trying to fight. White men are doing it and the system is changing. But we celebrate single mothers like being a mother on your own is some damned badge of honor.

It is not.

For every woman claiming that she can do it all alone, this is what that looks like. Tony Farmer is your “good little boy.”

The fact that people were pleading for Farmer–not based on any obfuscated facts of the case, or even on what remorse he may have had, but based on his potential basketball career–shows a growing depravity.

The young girl/victim allegedly had a father in the home, but apparently not much of one. She apparently broke up with Farmer because he had been abusive before. If she had a decent father, Farmer would have been in front of the judge for hitting her the first time—if not six feet under. And, she most definitely wouldn’t be pleading for leniency (along with her family), because she would understand the gravity of a man placing his hands on a defenseless woman who didn’t attack him.

While there have been comparisons galore, this is not the same as the Rhianna/Chris Brown case, except that two twisted children without the influence of men got caught up in a hot mess that changes and even ruins lives. They were both violent—he was just stronger.

Farmer is an out of control boy beast with no man in his life who could control him or teach him self-control.

While the Black community in his native Cleveland rallied to save Farmer, they FAILED to rally to his cause BEFORE he beat that girl. Instead of praising and lifting him up after he became a criminal, that same community of “saviors” should have been placing men in his life who could have influenced him, so that when his girlfriend broke up with him, he would have taken the man route and simply walked out of her life.

Instead, he walked into her apartment building and committed several crimes for which he will pay dearly.

“F” him and his basketball  career.

People can feel sorry for Farmer because his life has been diminished, but none of those who feel sorry even understand how much he was already diminished.

Eventually, he would have fallen anyway, growing up without the influence of man.

Farmer’s mother, Michele Farmer, said that her son was in love and had simply “made a bad decision.”

Yes, it was a bad decision, but so was the decision to raise him without the influence of man.

One day, we will pay attention to the studies showing how crucial a man’s influence is to a child’s development. Then, we will stop playing games, stop praising mediocrity and BS and we will garner men on every level of society to SHOW UP.

We don’t need another hero or martyr. We don’t need any movement that doesn’t involve Black men showing up and being present and consistent without obstruction.

I could quote any number of studies demonstrating the value of the influence of man.

Instead, I will quote the late Tupac Shakur, a broken man who realized that he would have been less broken with the influence of man: “I know for a fact that had I had a father, I’d have some discipline. I’d have more confidence. Your mother cannot calm you down the way a man can. Your mother can’t reassure you the way a man can. My mother couldn’t show me where my manhood was. You need a man to teach you how to be a man.”

Our community needs the influence of man.

Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.”  James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011 and will become a feature film in 2012. View previous installments of this column at http://www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

The Bridge: Dirty Black Secrets, Part 4—The Dirtiest Secrets

By Darryl James

One of the dirtiest Black secrets of all is that Black people have kept themselves enslaved.

The enslavement has been perpetuated largely by pretending that there is no racism. But also by passing lies and mythology about ourselves.

Many Blacks think we are doing worse than we really are because of the lies they pass around about us.

Let’s start with the biggest lie of all—stupid knee grows love lying about how Africans the world over are lost because they were fighting before Europeans came to Africa.  Well, guess what, dumb ass knee grows? So were the Europeans!  Humans have been fighting since there were humans.  This is neither a reason nor an excuse for the predators to come into a continent and begin the world’s worst treatment of humans.

But, really, who hurts us more than the most vicious white racist?

We do.

We harm ourselves with our inability to police ourselves.

The worst behavior will be defended if the perpetrator is an athlete or entertainer.

One of our dirtiest Black secrets is that, sadly, many of us love being Niggers.

There is no ugly definition of us that many of us won’t be willing to aspire to, up to and including being Niggers—in all the ugly derisive lack of glory in the meaning of the word.

Where our public behavior was once of dignity, many of us now aspire to be as undignified as possible. Males (not men) walk around with their underwear showing, accenting their butts and females (not women) walk around with as much of their precious sexuality on display. Tattoos are on chests and breasts, backs and thighs and on necks and ears—not body art, but body dirt that inhibits job searches and other opportunities where basic dignity is required.

Males have gone soft, while females act hard and menacing, fighting in public like men used to do.

Many of us look like garbage and act like garbage—all the while referring to each other as “Nigger” in front of anyone who can hear. The stupidest, most destructive thing we ever did was to pretend that using that ugly word in public was some sort of “revolution.”

The word hasn’t changed, but unfortunately, we have.

And we love our Black Athletes and entertainers—especially when they are acting like Niggers.

It’s a problem that horse faced Jay-Z can talk about all the money he has but neither he nor his wife do much to create anything better for the kids who are coming up in the same neighborhoods they pushed themselves up off of to get out of.

The fact that no one has killed he and that other self-hating bitch Kanye West is a testament to our willingness to allow our talented filth to drag our image and standing through the world’s mud.

How dare these two self-destructive pieces of defecation make a recording called “Niggas in Paris,” which essentially tells the world that wherever they go, they are still Niggers? And how dare Nas threaten to slap people for being angry that a white actress couldn’t wait to tweet that she was with those Niggas in Paris and was therefore also a Nigga herself?

Another one of our dirtiest Black secrets is that we are the most beautiful people on the planet and everyone wants what we have, yet we want to alter everything about ourselves, from our lips and hips to hair and from our skin color to our eyes?

Secretly, we are not the only ones. Asians abhor the sun and the darkness it gives their skin, which is why they wear wraparound sun visors and walk with umbrellas in the sun. Whites risk sunburn and skin cancer every day just to get some color—any color—on their skin. Why? Because they hate themselves.

Yet, they have convinced us that we are to be hated and many of us line up for the hating. And we hate ourselves most when we pretend that we are something else.

Hispanics love to pretend away their African ancestry to focus on trying to be some “other” or even white. And sadly, many islanders love to pretend that they are anything other than African American. For example, Lisa Nicole Carson volunteered to the media that her pet peeve was being “mistaken” for African American. She clarified that she was a Jamaican from Canada. Um, yeah, but you look just like us…

Dead of brain and dead of soul, we act like we are all good because a few of us are financially good.

Who is really damaging us?

Our dirtiest secret the world over is that we have seen the enemy…and he/she is us.

Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.”  James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011 and will become a feature film in 2012. View previous installments of this column at http://www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

The Bridge: Dirty Black Secrets, Part 2—Countering Lies & Deception

By Darryl James

Last week, I discussed a powerful dirty Black secret: Many Black women are a huge problem for Black America.

One of the reasons is that they are the strongest perpetrators of feminism in this nation. We saw in the 2008 election a powerful rejection of Hillary Clinton by older white men and younger white women who know she represents feminism. They know what the propaganda has done to American relationships and the roles of men and women. Yet, Black women act out the feminist propaganda on a regular basis, while many of them claim that they are not feminists.

According to Joseph Goebbels, Adolf Hitler’s propaganda minister, “Propaganda works best when those being manipulated are confident that they are acting out of their own free will.”

And of course it’s propaganda. Otherwise, we would have to believe that Black women simply woke up and decided to become “independent,” and to proclaim loudly and prolifically that they “don’t need men.”

If it smells bad, it’s usually rotten.

But it’s not just Black women. Black people in general view every aspect of life from a deficit model, which begins with the assumption that something is wrong.

Both Black men and Black women have been inculcated with some of the most horrible propaganda about Black people, particularly about Black men. And they pass it around faster and more prolifically than any venomous racist ever could.

The dirty Black secret is that when it comes to propaganda, the enemy is Black.

Any given comedian would have the world believe that whites are perfect and, based on their punch lines, that Black people are everything that is wrong with the world.

This explains why we hear the “more Black men in prison than college” myth, and a host of other lies which paint the Black man in a horrible light.

According to the U.S. Census, there were around 17,945,068 Black males in the nation. Around 6.3 percent are in college and 4.7 percent are in prison.

My friend and colleague Janks Morton has updated the anti-Black Myth machine with a new book called “Black People Don’t Read: The Definitive Guide to Dismantling Stereotypes and Negative Statistical claims about Black Americans,” in which he illustrates that “The remaining 89 percent of Black men have already graduated from college, already served a prison sentence, have a life trajectory that does not involve college or prison, or are too young for either to apply.”

Morton agrees with me that Blacks have to stop talking about how poorly we are doing as a people for two reasons: First, because when we speak negatively, it affects our self-esteem and accordingly, our ability to succeed and Second, because many of the things we say simply are not the truth.

The dirty Black secret is that Black people—not white males or white women—perpetuate the myth that Black men are somehow a “dying breed.” Yet, in “Black People Don’t Read,” Morton illustrates that “according to the U.S. Census, since 1970 there are 3.9 million less White Males and 2.5 million more Black Males, age 15 to 25, in the U.S. population.”

And Black women do not escape the negative hype.

Any given moron will spout teen pregnancy as some epidemic causing Black women to drop out faster than flies. But if the moron did some real research, he would realize that, according to the Center for Disease Control, Black Teenage Pregnancy rates have been reduced by 56.42% from 1991-2009.

And while Black college enrollment could always be higher, Black men are not dropping out of high school and simply failing to garner a diploma. There is no 50% dropout rate. Again, according to the US Census, 83.43% of Black men over the age of 18 have a high school diploma, but when stats are negatively manipulated, we find that Black men who switch schools before graduating (from another school), or who miss a semester but finishes, or who test out before their class are not included because the focus of the negative statement is on Black men who graduate from 12^th grade with their 9^th grade class.

The dropout rate for Black males is 9.5%. Slap yourself.

Black men and Black women have been inculcated with some of the most horrible propaganda about Black people, particularly about Black men. And they pass it around faster and more prolifically than any venomous racist ever could.

Any give comedian would have the world believe that whites are perfect and, based on their punch lines, that Black people are everything that is wrong with the world.

Another dirty Black secret is that many of the institutions that were originally designed to help Blacks uplift themselves are in fact, the cause of Black misery in many cases.

Next Week: Dirty Black Secrets, Part 3—Alphabet Soup

Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.”  James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011 and will become a feature film in 2012. View previous installments of this column at http://www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

The Bridge: Dirty Black Secrets, Part 1

By Darryl James

Black people have some dirty little secrets.

We all see them, but we’re not supposed to talk about them.

But you already know that I just don’t care.

Here’s one:  Some Black women can be a huge problem for Black people.

Old crazy Darryl James has been saying it for years. I first talked about it in 2005 and people claimed I hated Black women.

But imagine the work that could have been done if we had simply acknowledged it.  We could have also rooted out the core issue and then began to work on some solutions.

Instead, we kept pretending that only Black men were problematic.

Black Americans trotted out every single problem plaguing Black people and laid them at the foot of Black men so that Black men could take the blame.

We pretended that only Black fathers were deadbeat, even though many single Black mothers were having babies by men who were ALREADY deadbeats, knowingly creating a larger pool of fatherless children, when instead we should have been chastising the single mothers who were choosing poorly—if the man has children that he doesn’t support or visit, why would he do anything differently with the children you give him? And if you know that you will be a single mother, why become a single mother? Multiple times?

We should have stopped pretending that there aren’t women who know full well that they will be bringing a child into the world with no male influence or involvement, but do so eagerly, because they simply want to be mothers.

But we continued to blame the men, with the likes of Bill Cosby telling Black women that Black men are simply “sperm shooting machines” who want only sex and then “walk away from a thing called fatherhood.”

We allowed anyone to claim that Black boys were “choosing” to drop out of high school while Black girls were perfect and progressing. We allowed anyone who desired to claim that there were more Black men going to prison than to college and more Black men dating white women than Black women and more Black men in poverty than Black women and that for these reasons, Black women were being left alone in the dating process or “forced” to date outside of the race.

We allowed broken women to lie about there being no good Black men, instead of focusing on the simple fact that many of the Black women who aren’t married simply aren’t marriage material.

And, too many Black women are acting like whores and thinking like men instead of acting like ladies and thinking like wives.

Yes, I said it—oversexed and under-loved (no self love and no love without sexual attachment), while blaming it all on Black men.

And it’s not like anyone in our race benefited, because far too many Black women are still turning 40 with zero marriage prospects, and far too many of them are raising Black boys and girls without male influence or involvement, while lying about how they don’t want or need a man for love or child rearing and blaming Black men for the results.

But today, that has to stop.

Because today, we have finally been given concrete evidence that there are some horrible Black women who have been tearing our race apart.

And we saw it with Gabby Douglas.

Hearing Black women—not white women or white men—tear this beautiful Black Olympian down made it clear that something was stinking and the smell was not coming from Black men.

That same stench facilitated the media’s virtual erasure of Gabby’s daddy as though he didn’t exist. The media was comfortable with it because for more than a decade Black women have been telling the media and the world that Black men were absent and essentially, that they weren’t necessary anyway.

I already know that some of you are getting your “he hates Black women” responses ready, but you should stop and use your brain, or slap yourself.

If we cannot finally embrace the fact that feminism, self-hatred and insidious racist propaganda have turned too many of us too far against Black men and that it seeped into the Black community through Black women and turned into something ugly, then we are doomed, because we will never face the hard cold facts, and so will never have any resolution.

Next week, I will present some hard cold facts that will turn many of the myths about Black men on their heads.

The hardest fact of them all is that many of the myths have been perpetuated by Black women.

We must admit to ourselves that just as there are horrible white men and women and horrible Black men, there are some horrible Black women who are wreaking havoc on our people and they are not all uneducated hoodrats.

The truth is that many of these are college educated Black women who claim to be perfect victims are also in the ranks of those who tear down our community by passing lies, but also by refusing to stand up against the destructive elements

Black women, you are not the victim of Black men.

You have not been simply abandoned and forced into single motherhood, you have not been abandoned at the educational success line and you have not been forced to grow old and alone.

Many of you have made some poor choices that have lead you into some bad situations, along with our children.

And I love you enough, love Black children enough, love Black people enough to tell you and to encourage everyone to stop lying to you.

I’m here to tell all of our dirty little Black secrets.

Next Week: Countering Lies & Deception

Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.”  James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011 and will become a feature film in 2012. View previous installments of this column at http://www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

 

The Bridge: Paying The Cost

By Darryl James

How sad is it that in today’s economy, women are still complaining about how much men spend on dates?

Really?

First off, dating is supposed to be a process by which two individuals get to know each other. If you already have rigid standards and expectations of people you haven’t even met, chances are things won’t go well when you do meet.

For women who are on this silly program, think about this: What if the man you expect to spend a certain amount of money on a date, has expectations of getting you naked the same night? Would you judge him for having unreasonable expectations? Is he being unreasonable or are you?

Who is right and who is wrong?  Who is to say when there are no real standards in dating anymore?

Let’s be honest (even though it will make a lot of stupid people angry): The women who claim to be “old school” to excuse their unreasonable standards and expectations are full of it. Women in the “old school” actually used to cook for dates.  Women also used to be polite enough to go with a man to wherever he took her, even if she didn’t like the place, but especially if she liked the man. Why? Because it was all about getting to know each other.

It’s just sad that so many women are complaining about where a date took them or how much he spent, but not many are conversing about what they contribute to the dating process, as if men owe them something because they want to get to know them.

And we’ve all heard dead brained loser women state that men who are unwilling or unable to spend “enough” money on dates shouldn’t date.

So, because someone who doesn’t know you and may not even like you doesn’t want to invest in spending money entertaining you, they should go into dating exile?

Slap yourself.

I’ve used this example in discussions about dating to make the point clear to people who still have active brain cells: Our president, Barack Obama was not only low on funds when he met Michelle, but he was UNEMPLOYED! She helped him get a job and certainly didn’t chastise him about not being able to spend $200 on a date. Why? Because she was interested in being his life partner, not some line item in his dating budget.

Let’s do the math here:  If a man spends $100 on dating four times each month, he will spend $400 each month, which equals $4800 per year. That is the equivalent of a car payment or the down payment on a house. If a woman is seeking to be a life partner, I doubt that she would want that kind of money to be blown. Now, if she’s just looking for the good time, then she shouldn’t judge the man who is also looking for the good time…

A fair exchange is no robbery.

Now, I realize that the math may be a problem for stupid people, but frankly, the people (men and women) who think it’s reasonable for a man to be judged by the amount of money he spends on dating are stupid anyway.

Sadly, the biggest problem is that dead-brained morons believe that everyone has the same belief set. You can use the cost of a date to show the fallacies of modern dating, but the bigger reality is that relationships and marriage have been diminished by boneheads who have rigid expectations of people they haven’t met yet, but want those people to be open to their expectations.

Men paying for dates comes from a time when women were either unemployed or underemployed.

How do we move into an era where women are crowing from the mountaintops about making more money than men (whether it’s true or not), yet still expecting men to pay their way?

Now, here’s the kicker:  that time I just spoke of was never on deck for African Americans. After slavery, Black women went to work just as did Black men. Now, if a Black man earned more than a Black woman, he would likely pay her way, but they rarely, if ever, discussed how much the man should spend and where he should take her. That’s some new ignorance.

Today? How about men and women go on dates prepared to pay their own way so that the focus can be on getting to know each other?

For every woman who complains that men are cheap, a man is complaining that women only care about getting money spent on them. Neither discussion does anything to improve the marriage rate.

Dating, relationships and marriage are all about partnership—all about sharing. If that is the goal, why start off by NOT sharing?

It all comes down to money. Who pays the cost?

Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.”  James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011 and will become a feature film in 2012. View previous installments of this column at http://www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

The Bridge: The Walk Of Shame

By Darryl James

Traditionally, men were hunters and gatherers and held the sole responsibility for initiating the mating ritual, which included marriage proposals, asking for the first dance and initiating first contact.

First contact.

That’s the dreaded first “hello” or the first smile. And it used to be fairly simple.

Men did it.

Until society was turned on its head.

Society was turned on its head partially by the world becoming smaller, thanks to the Internet, where a great portion of relationships begin in online dating.

But society was also turned on its head by the hoax of a sexual revolution and by women beginning to tell the world (and men were listening) that they wanted to be something different. The problem for women, is that this requires that they also DO something different.

You see, it’s a dicey proposition to declare yourself equal to men (which for some women, means becoming men), and then proclaim a portion of life and love that will remain untouched by this equality.

The question is asked: “Who decides what portions of life are equal?”  The answer is: anyone, everyone and no one.

And therein lies the difficulty. Some women subscribed to the equality program and some men followed, but many men and women either made no such subscription, or simply stayed somewhere in the middle where confusion lives.

My point?

At this stage in the game, many men have no idea how to approach women because there is too much uncertainty.

And so, the “Walk of Shame” that has always been difficult, has become increasingly more difficult to the point of perceived impossibility by some men who simply refuse to initiate first contact.

The “Walk of Shame?”  Oh, that’s the walk a man takes when he leaves his comfort zone to move into a woman’s comfort zone in order to initiate contact. This walk can occur in any setting, but is most popular in group settings, such as clubs and parties.

The man typically walks over to the woman’s comfort zone and if he is met with disinterest or worse, disdain, he must then take the infamous “Walk of Shame” back to his own zone, which carries a stigma of shame—the shame of being rejected, which is just a tired, silly notion of “manliness.”

Of course, some women are quick to dismiss any sensitivity to this shame by pointing out that “a man should be man enough to take such a risk.”

Really?  That sounds like women who have been thinking like men, and frankly, that never turns out well, contrary to the comedian’s best-selling book.

My advice to women is to act like a lady and think like a wife. That’s if the goal is to actually become a wife.

You see, thinking like a wife means that a woman is doing some choosing based not on silly social signals, but on primary personal signals (looks, posture, etc.) and secondary personal signals (morals and standards revealed by discussion), which may be contrary to the signals relied on in the ever-changing society of the new century.

You may think you’re being open, but the man you’re attracting may see the same signs in you that he saw in the last few women who rejected him and he just may decide not to take the risk with you.

The elevator is broken, so I’m suggesting that you take the stairs.

Does thinking like a wife mean that women become aggressive? No. in fact, the fake sexual revolution ushered in aggressiveness amongst women, and that hasn’t really worked out very well.

It’s really not that deep.

All that is required in many cases is for a woman to smile at a man, or even to say “hello.”  The coy routine, in which the woman pretends not to be interested typically backfires. The game has changed too much for that.

What will happen is that you will likely waste time waiting for men to take the sole risk of initiating contact when they have no idea whether the risk is worth taking.

And, that is a huge risk these days.

Really, a grown woman has no business playing games and sending confusing messages to men who have been sent far too many confusing messages anyway.

In the age of “Independent Women,” its good sense for women to actually display some independence.

My overarching message to women is that it is pure folly to wait for men to do what you as an individual have accepted as “traditional,” because nothing truly is traditional anymore.

Changing times call for change.

That means that you may either have to make that walk less risky, or take a walk yourself.

The risk of shame must be shared or released.

I’ve quoted Will Smith as “Hitch” before and I’m not ashamed to do it again.  The film was very cool, but more importantly, it touched on a portion of men’s perspective that just isn’t often heard.

“Does it ever occur to women that maybe a guy might like to have a plan?  Because he’s nervous.  He’s not sure if he could just walk up to you and you’d respond if he said: ‘I like you. I like you.  I like you’…This is exactly why falling in love is so God Damned hard.”

–Will Smith as “Hitch”

Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.”  James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011 and will become a feature film in 2012. View previous installments of this column at http://www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

The Bridge: Keeping It Real

By Darryl James

It is popular to comment on someone’s statements that we agree with by saying that person is “keeping it real.”

But really, many of us talk a good game of keeping it real, but we are keeping it real fake.

Yes, much of what we embrace today is fake, because it makes us feel good to say certain things, but we do not want to act on those things.

For example, we love to talk abut supporting Black businesses and some of us even bemoan the lack of Black owners in certain arenas. But, too many of us break our necks running to a non-Black business and feel proud to do so.

I remember when I purchased the second largest rap music publication and mad it the only Black-owned national rap magazine. Knee-grows were always calling and writing to tell me how they had spent their money on the largest magazine (white owned), and how proud they were to have done so. That magazine wouldn’t support them with editorial, so they came to me to get “love,” since I was a Black man.

Essentially, they were saying that the white man needed the money, but I needed to provide them with “the hook up.”

Is that keeping it real?

No.

If we really wanted to keep it real, we would completely overhaul our thoughts and align our speech with our actions.

The first step would be to reverse integration, so that we can get real with each other again.

It would be keeping it real to return to our communities with renewed and focused political power resulting in more police protection (from a police force which reflects the community);  more services (schools, after-school programs, parks, street re-paving, etc.); and more self-sustaining commerce (Black-owned businesses supported by the community, while supporting the community).

Black America would be keeping it real with a focus on forward movement for all of us—not just the rich, not just the males or just the females and not just the famous, but all of us.

If we really want to keep it real, we would get down like the Jews and make a commitment to our preservation as a group, and not promote individuals who we never hold to any obligation to give back to the community.

If one of us becomes successful, many of us will excuse them for doing nothing for the community because “it’s their money.”

But, to keep it real, it’s not their money, because they (whoever “they” are) have typically made their money by being Black and by taking advantage of the support of Black people.

If we were keeping it real, we would no longer be satisfied with a Black face in middle management, or even the sole dark face in the CEO’s office. One of us can show up and attempt to assimilate, but to be real, having one dark face in the company has failed to open the door for others.

And , keeping it real, we should follow the Jews in being a community, but not in spending in their community.  Too many of us are all about building the commerce of others who sell us shiny things.  Yes, shiny things.  Blacks get five dollars and spend four on a truck, some cheap jewelry and some “nice clothes” all made by “others.”

The late Black publisher, John H. Sengstacke said “If we take care of our community first, the community will take care of us.”

That would be keeping it real.

And speaking of taking care of us, if we were keeping it real, we would seek to return all of our necessary services to our community. Our doctors understand our particular health issues and our lawyers understand our particular legal issues.  Dentists, contractors, car dealers and hardware stores are vital parts of our commerce and they need to be in our communities, serving us and being supported by us intentionally, not because we happen to walk in the office and see a Black face.

We can truly keep it real with Black businesses and services when we return to living next door to each other and loving it, living it responsibly.

It’s real to socialize with each other and talk to each other about the issues we face in common, so that we can work together toward resolution.

We can keep it real by becoming what we used to be–a people who survived the horrors of the years and still knew how to party, look good and work hard.  We must party, look good and work together for our coming generations.

That’s keeping it real!

Next Week: Loving The Real Us

Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.”  James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011 and will become a feature film in 2012. View previous installments of this column at http://www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com.