LADAWN BLACK (RELATIONSHIP ADVICE)

Relationship Expert, Author and Radio/ TV Personality

The LaDawn Black Show

Night Version – 92Q (92.3FM) Monday – Thursday at 10p

Saturday Version – Magic 95.9 (95.9FM) – Saturdays 10a-3p

LaDawn Black, a native of Washington, D.C., is a relationship expert, radio personality, and author of two previous books, Stripped Bare: The 12 Truths That Will Help You Land the Very Best Black Man (One World/Ballantine January 2006) and Let’s Get It On: 15 Hot Tips and Tricks to Spice Up Your Sex Life (One World/Ballantine February 2007). Her third book and first erotic novel, TEASE: Steamy Short Stories (One World/Ballantine), published in August 2009.

Five nights a week she hosts Baltimore’s number one radio relationship show, “The Love Zone” on 92Q (92.3 FM). Black is a relationship coach for match.com, essence.com, and blackmeninamerica.com, and has contributed to or been profiled by Essence, Ebony, Glamour, Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, and the Washington Post, among others.Black was named Best Radio Personality by the Baltimore City Paper and Best Guilty Pleasure Radio Show by Baltimore Magazine and was nominated for Urban Radio Personality of the Year for Radio and Records magazine. She currently resides in Baltimore with her two very best men, JB and Alec.

If you want advice that only a sista can give you, or you need some tough love–then click here to Tell It To LaDawn at Black Men In America.com.

Adding A Little Female Charm to Black Men

“LaDawn Black is what Dr. Phil would be if he were a sexy young black woman.” – Toni G., Baltimore, MD

Advice From LaDawn

Hey LaDawn:
I’m in a relationship for the past 18 months and right now I just don’t feel happy, my bf always thinks in cheating and communicating with other men, when I try to convince him that I’m not about that, that I just want to settle down and live a clean Life he doesn’t believe me, he never wants to talk anything over he likes to scream and argue instead of seating and talking. The worst part of it is he always threatens to leave, he has said that he wants to break up several times, but I keep putting things back together because I’m just tired of starting back all over. I’m lost , sad empty and I feel unloved and unappreciated but I honestly do love this guy. What should I do? How can I deal with this.

Sister:
If your love is making you miserable then it is not for you. This brother is not doing anything to make you feel happy or secure in this relationship.  It sounds like to me you are only hanging in there because you have so much time in. That is not a good enough reason. It may be time to love him from afar until he works on his insecurity issues. That is something that you cannot fix for him.

— LaDawn

 

Hey LaDawn,

I’m extremely new to this sort of thing, but I really need help with this so here it is:

I have been in my relationship for  4 years now and I feel so much regret now. I am 25 and she is 23 with 3 kids, one is my daughter. Through these years we have been on a roller coaster and we both have made mistakes. I am not perfect at all. The mistakes I made only happened when she treated me like I was nothing. I talked to other girls and was completely honest about me being in a relationship. I guess I just needed someone to talk to because my girl wouldn’t talk to me, and if she did it would be to tell me to do something for her or the kids. Doesn’t make it right but I was alone in a relationship it seemed.

At that time It was all bad, and my unemployment situation wasn’t helping either. So I tried to understand that she was stressed out because she had to hold down the house and provide while I was job hunting. It was hell for her and I hated myself for even letting things get that way. I took full responsibility for that.

That time passed and I was back on my feet with a decent job and things were ok but she still treated me like crap. I did a lot in our time together even when I was down. I literally lost blood to help make ends meet. I helped her raise her kids before my baby was even born. I did everything she wanted me to do in order to take stress off of her, but all of that was not enough for her.

During the good time, I would splurge on her and the kids. I felt that she deserved it so much and I never have been a cheap guy so I would get whatever she wanted or just give her money to go shopping with after the bills were taken care of. I did right by her but she would still cop an attitude for some reason,which leads me to the present dilemma.

I lost my job and I am now on unemployment. I am looking for work diligently because I dont want a reapeat of 2008 ( bad times). Financially we survive, but her attitude is so nasty toward me even when most of my money goes into bills, a new house, her kids,car repairs…everything she needs she gets from me.

Now I feel unappreciated and almost hated by her. I give my all to her and all I get is negativity. she talks to me like I don’t have any feelings, or mine just don’t matter to her. When she gets mad she grabs her phone and goes to smoke outside or she gets on facebook and ignores me when I try to tell her how she is killing us as a couple.

I have regret and I feel like I cannot get throught to her. She can talk reckless to me but I give her the truth about what I am feeling and she makes me out to be the bad guy. She even still talks to an ex of hers on facebook and this guy got her pregnant while we were split up. She lied to me and tricked me into paying for the abortion. She told me the truth a over a year later after I moved back in to help her with the kids and tried to make it work. I forgave her for it along with everything else she told me during our truth session.

I am finding out that it won’t work and I feel like a fool. I want to leave her alone because she just doesn’t care for, or respect me the same way I do for her. The kids hear how she talks to me and they don’t need to hear those bad words and all that ghetto attitude stuff. Now im stuck until I get another job and can move on my own. I just wanted to do right by my child and make it so she has both parents under one roof, but it won’t work.

I know I can do better than this and truly be happy, but my baby girl is important to me and I want her to be happy too. Her mother believes that my child is the only reason Im with her still. It sounds so bad and it wasn’t like that before, but I can’t help thinking that she may be right now.
I know its a mess but I feel stuck.
If u were me, what would you do??

-CMH

P.S. Sorry for the long letter.

Brother CMH:

I see both sides of your situation. I see a brother who has given his all when he could and is looking for some kindness and understanding when he can’t give as much.  I also see a woman who has stuck by your side during good and bad and feels deeply hurt that you stepped out on her when she felt she was the one giving the most in the relationship.

You have to understand she is rough on you because she is still hurt over the outside relationships.  She has not moved on and as your job situation goes away it is yet another reminder that when she in her mind was doing everything –you decided to jump ship.  She is bitter and it is going to take a lot for her to get back to a loving place with you.  I would dare to say even if you were employed she would still be in an unhappy place.  Unfortunately, you cannot fix this — only she can.  She has to decide to forgive and move on through her own mental work with a therapist or clergy person. Until then, she is going to be in this place with you.

Your option is to decide whether maintaining a two parent house for your child is really worth waiting out her recovery process.  Some people are patient and can deal and others find it better to leave.  Be honest with yourself about what type of person you are.  Know that you can be an effective parent outside of the home and sometimes leaving is a great healer for a relationship because space is so badly needed to just gain perspective.

– L

Blessings Ladawn,

I’m a young once vibrant young woman who can’t decide if her man has cheated.

Please note:  This man is my 1^st boyfriend -1^st man I kissed and gave my virginity to.

You see it all started when I moved back home from a different island after six (6) months and continued my relationship with my boyfriend of two (2) years at the time. When life started to get back in flow I noticed some changes.

He would visit me around 6pm as he lived right around the corner. Then leave a few minutes later with a flimsy excuse like to purchase an item from a store that he passed earlier on his way to me. At this time I would be at the stove cooking. So, I assumed that he wanted to chill home until I was done.  Then he would arrive again about 2 hours later to eat of course and head out again and return about 11pm to sleep by me.  I only started noticing this after it became so repetitive. Then he started going out( I became angry at this point because I have never been on a date with him) to parties with his coworkers and boys (we never went out as he stated when we started dating that he doesn’t go out) and one morning he came by me at 8am(his normal time is 1am-2am). He said he fell asleep home and could not hear me calling him.

At the end of the year I decided to take a trip to Nassau to visit my sister.  The night before my flight I asked to use his phone he normally doesn’t allow me to use it as I was always looking in it{Please note that his Inbox & Outbox are mostly always at 0})I kinda duped him into allowing me to use it because I didn’t have any minutes on my own cell.  I went outside while he was cooking and decided to scroll through his messages as this is a rare time for me.  I saw two (2) messages in his outbox that read “Call me, Luv” & “Call me please” on a Monday morning around 10am. I read them to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. This is normally the time I am at work so he wasn’t referring to me and the number definitely wasn’t mine(442-9765).  When confronted about it he said he calls everyone luv (I knew of this name only as his pet name for me).

When I came back on the island after a few days I was desperate to catch him in his lies.  So, I reset his password for his voicemail and waited patiently for a few weeks.  The fateful day came when I contacted him and he said he was somewhere else.  So, I dialed his voicemail and listened to his messages.   There was a message in there at 12:46am from the same number(442-9765) a few weeks before. It said, “This me Frog, answer your phone”.  I was heartbroken.  Now I started thinking and realized that the night before he came by me to sleep around 11pm and left his phone home which he normally does). So she was calling him all the while he was with me.  I confronted him and he was so shocked that he hit his leg against the bed on two(2) separate occasions within five(5) minutes. Right then, I knew he was lying.  He stated that they are only friends, that they don’t talk that much.  He also stated that my disturbing his privacy was his business and asked me to leave her life alone. This is after four(4) years of us being together).  Two weeks later when I called her number she left her full name on the voicemail I’ve called her before and hung up because I was too scared). Things got hectic then and he tried to play like everything was cool.

Now, I stuck with him after threatening to leave so many times) and it’s now five(5) years.  Now we live together, I purchased a car and things seemed to be ok. But, I could not let this gut feeling just hanker me everyday.  So, when he visited home for the new year left the island) I took his phone he didn’t know that I had it) and broke the code  because he could not get to his message himself and I saw a message in it that said, “You comin four me”.  Now I didn’t get upset, I was disappointed in him. I confronted him again, he said that he couldn’t read his messages to even be aware of her text.  Now, the funny thing about this is that the same day she texted him he was at my jobsite this was weird for him to take a long drive with me as he liked staying home) that day waiting for my car normally we made preparations according to each other’s schedule) as this day was unscheduled because I had an urgent job on another jobsite.  Upon going back to my main jobsite I decided to keep the car and drop him home instead I was testing him-he didn’t need the car as he was home all day) he became angry, I could tell by the way his face changed. He didn’t even say one thing to me when I dropped him home. Now I gather that he made preparations with her and I messed them up that day.

I told my cousin about the text and my sister and they all suggested I leave him. I agree but I can’t seem to find the strength to leave after trying so many times. Telling him I don’t love him and asking him to let me leave during the five(5) years. It was like he didn’t hear me. I said I was going to move now I am debating this as well. I really need expert advice.

Most Respectfully

Denise

Denise,

This is going on for an extremely long time. Lets go with what we know. He is seeing someone else. You do not trust him because you keep checking in on him. He doesn’t care about getting caught because you take him back each time. This really isn’t his problem, but yours. There is no need to jump on him about other women if on the back end you are saying it is okay by taking him back. He has proven that he cannot be faithful so the decision is now yours. Are you willing to share forever or is it time to say bye? Take your power back and make a decision and stick to it. He can only do to you what you allow.

LB

Dear LaDawn:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years and in that time we have never cheated on each other. We have also been able to build a successful business together. One of the biggest problems we have is that he has a fetish with females’ bootys. There have been a few times when he has been gawking at a girl’s butt and I have found it disrespectful. Now its at a point that he does it and he lies about it. After seeing him do it several times I have reached a conclusion that I don’t want to deal with it at all. I talked to him about it in the past several times, I explained to him how it makes me feel disrespected, it hurts and if I would have known that it would be like this in the beginning, I would not have engaged in this type of a relationship with him, I would have kept him as a friend. He protests that this is a small thing and that I should not be bothered by it and the fact that I am bothered by it is my problem.

We have both invested a lot into our relationship and our business, but I feel like his immature behavior is causing me a great deal of stress which in turn is affecting the business and everything else. He says often (and I know it to be true) that things could always be worse. I tell him, “Should become accustomed to settling for less?”

Please tell me if this is just some psychosis of my own mind, blatant immaturity, disrespect or something that comes along with dating a black man  in Northern California.

Sister:

Let me be really honest with you.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking/gawking/appreciating the human form.  If your man likes to look, let him look because the truth is that you probably get your “look” on when a fine brother crosses your path.  The difference is that you are probably more subtle, your man doesn’t care and doesn’t notice or you don’t discuss your fondness for broad shoulders or sexy lips with him.  Yes, you are being extremely sensitive and to ask the man not to notice other women is simply insanity. There is nothing wrong with looking.  When he tries to get closer to the booty by asking its phone number or following it home — then get concerned.

– L

Hi LaDawn,

I have been dating the same woman for just over 4 yrs (2 yrs as a couple).
Neither of us have children; both are homeowners.   Over the course of this 2 yr period, I decided that she was the one I would marry – and made it known.  We both talk about future plans to be together; how things might be on a daily basis, etc..  I will and have done just about anything for her – handyman, cash till payday, give space to hit the happy hour with her friends, etc..  Also, we are no strangers to each other’s family.  At times I believe she would like to spend more time doing activities with my family than we currently do.  However, it does not seem to be a cause for major problems.  I say all this to say we are very good friends who support each other.

When it comes to lovemaking we fall off big time!  For the last 18 months or so, my discipline has been periodically tested in that along with no lovemaking, there was no solid explanation and just a nonchalant attitude toward addressing the situation.  Often, I would act like a jerk and pout (not a good look for me) to show my disappointment.  The past few months have been much of the same except, I am more cognizant of my reaction to these emotions.  Nowadays, I am suppressing my desires in order to prevent conflict.

Recently, I learn that the pace of the relationship or lack of has contributed to this fall off.  She told me she felt like we were not moving – so I asked, “Ideally, where should this relationship be (or what should it be like) just before marriage?” She replied, “I don’t know.”  Then she’s back to my best friend again.  Even that conversation I had to ask all the questions about why has our love life fell off.

Is this relationship failing and I just can’t see it?  Why do I feel so unfulfilled when I have a good woman at home?  Why do I leave for work from her house – thinking where can I get some?   I am finding it harder to provide all these perks and pleasantries when I too often feel, let down.  Why would a brother want to move forward into marriage with this aspect of the relationship so suspect.  Am I being threatened into marriage – is that legal?  Do we both have too much pride to accommodate each other?  Please help.

-b

B:

Brother I am going to be honest with you.  This sister is backing off of the sex because she has other plans outside of having a relationship with you.  When women are trying to figure out whether or not they should stay in a relationship often the first thing to go is sexual intimacy.  We are wired to be open to a man that we desire and it is hard to be open physically and mentally to a man that we no longer desire.  Now I am not saying that she is seeing someone else.  More than likely it is just a thought process that she is working her way through and it is manifesting itself in being physically distant.

You need to ask her straight up if she is trying to make any hard decisions regarding your relationship.  Let her know that you are interested in having the relationship continue but not in its current passionless form.  Don’t be surprised if a river of her thoughts and feelings comes to the surface as she really lets you know what the whole no sex thing is all about.

– L

LaDawn,

I have been married for six years and it was hell from the very beginning. Everyone tried to discourage me from it, but I was ‘In Love’. I spent a considerable amount of money on our honeymoon so that it would be memorable…it was, because she stopped talking to me.  She wanted to argue and the whole nine.

By nature I am not an argumentative person and I try to avoid confrontations with the people I love. Anyway as time moved on we continue to be like that roller coaster. So finally three years ago I asked for a divorce. She claimed and promised to change. I really wanted it to work and I believed her, so I stayed. We had a little girl who is the greatest treasure I could ever find! Now we have twins and she is starting to do everything she used to. I am truly lost. I grew up with my parents separated and I never wanted that for my kids. Now I feel that I have dragged them into something that could be emotionally and mentally taxing on them.

I have been trying to get transferred to another site, but I know all I am doing is running from the situation.

Like some of your other readers, I could go much more in-depth, but I’m sure you don’t have the time.

Exhausting my soul!

Thank you my queen.

Brother:

What a situation to be in!  It doesn’t seem like there was ever a time where you were happy or peaceful in this relationship. At this point you have to really stop worrying about your mate and really dig deep and decide what is best for you and your children.  Kids know when their parents are unhappy with one another no matter how good of a show you guys are putting on.  And personally the idea of having to play at happiness for the next 20+ years is a huge burden to carry.  Don’t run from the situation by getting a job transfer because you guys will still be together fighting long distance.

It’s time to be an adult and confront the state of your relationship.  Take the time to live apart and see if this feels better.  Agree early on that the kids are a priority and no matter what you guys will do your best to co-parent. True separation and divorce does affect children, but just think how much constant arguing, confusion and contempt is affecting them everyday.  Its time to get real and possibly make a change.

L

Dear LaDawn

I just found your site and it piqued my interest.  Here is my problem.  I have been married for almost 10 years.  During that time maybe a year and a half have been pleasant.  We have a child together (he is almost 8 years old).  This was my first marriage and her 2nd.  Here is a part of the problem.  We clearly discussed what I was looking for in a mate.  I have a strong relationship in Christ and I believe that a man is the head of the household (meaning that I must take ultimate responsibility for my family).  This was something I was quite explicit about before we got married and she agreed to this.  Since then, nothing I have brought up has she agreed to.  She has yet to get any identification in my name even though she still gets mail in her former husbands name.  Once she got our child’s medications and they used her former married name for my child.  I had a fit, but when I brought it up to her she said she didn’t know that that would be such a problem.

I have come home from work and found her with a male co-worker in our home after she told me that they were going to have lunch in a town 30 miles away.  They were shocked when I showed up at my home around 10:30am.  I was doing all of the laundry and cooking.  I was getting only 5 hours of sleep a night.  Again when I brought this up to her, she said she didn’t know that this would be a problem.  She has invited former boyfriends to my mother’s home for barbecues.  Our guests would always ask about her at these outings because she would never come out and mingle with them.  When her old boyfriend showed up we watched in amazement as she ran out of the house and started grilling food for them.  At our son’s last birthday I took him (he’s is disabled) to an amusement park for the first time in his life.  She wouldn’t go.  My cousin came with her children instead.  The next day we went on a ride he had been dying to get on.  She went to that, but immediately left.  When he got strep throat I took him to the doctor and kept him.  She went to the Pocono’s to visit her girlfriend.

I owned a house before we were married, it was supposed to be my first home until I could afford another one.  All we had to pay for was the utilities and the taxes.  She told me that it was too far from her job.  I got her an opportunity to work in the town that I lived in and where the house was and she refused.  I only found out this year that she just didn’t want to live there.  She told her mother and she just told me that she didn’t want to live there because there were too many Hispanics in the area.  Before we were dating she lived with a Hispanic.  I gave up the house to live with her in a 1-bedroom basement apartment that I paid monthly rent for.  There were times when I was so tired after work and returning to the apartment that I almost crashed by falling asleep while driving (her apartment was almost 2 hours away from where I used to live and work).

I gave up my job in my old town and took a $10,000 pay cut because she wanted me to work in the area we live in.  When I brought up her deception she said that I should let the past be the past.  Recently she has been going out on dates with her former boyfriend who is a doctor.  This is the same person her first husband would argue about because she was always with him.  I asked her why didn’t she marry him?  She said that he was too short but he is rich and promises her that he will assist her in her music career.  He has told her this before but has never come through.  I, on the other hand, got her on television and a chance to meet Melba Moore and sing for her.  She used to get mad at me when I wanted to know where she was on Friday evenings.  She told me she always gets her hair done on Fridays.  These dates, which she has admitted to, were on Friday evenings.  There is much more, but suffice it to say that Ministers who know me and my wife, friends and relatives have been telling me for years that she is only interested in herself and I should end this marriage.  To be honest, she has claimed that I am not as intimate with her as I used to be.  I asked her if she remembered when we were intimate?  She admitted that it was when we did things together (prayed, did Bible study together, went to the movies together etc).  Things that I told her I was looking for in a mate before we got married.  She says that I should be more intimate with her.  My feelings of intimacy came from her saying and doing the things I was looking for in a mate.  I wouldn’t have married her if she hadn’t assured me that she was interested in these things.  I even tried to be more intimate with her earlier this year.  In the middle of it she told me to stop because she “wasn’t feeling this.”

LaDawn I will never be intimate with her again until she apologizes for that (she has already laughed that off saying if I really wanted her I would be chasing her).  There is only a year difference in our ages so age isn’t an issue as far as I know.  What would you advise?  If it weren’t for my son and the fact that I have spent every cent I have on keeping this family together, I would be gone by now.  People who know both of us that I am going to go to an early grave if I stay in this marriage have told me.  Also, she is a terrible mother.  Our child has more of a relationship with the baby sitter than with her.  The baby sitter, who is on a fixed income bought our child a birthday gift.  My wife didn’t even get him a birthday card.  He had trouble sleeping and she was giving him medication to make him go to sleep.  I talked with him and made sure he went to bed at an appropriate time and we haven’t had that problem anymore.  Once when our child couldn’t sleep he went into the bedroom with her and she made him leave the bedroom saying that she needed to get her sleep.

I will take your advice into prayerful  consideration.

Thank you for reading this “novel!”

Brother:

Your story is an incredible one filled with disappointment and denial.  I am going to get to the heart of the matter.  The sister is not interested in being a mom or wife.  All of her actions scream wanting to be out of her current situation so that she can be free to pursue her goals.  Nothing in her actions during your marriage show compromise or understanding.  The truth is that you probably should have left her years ago before compromising your finances or exposing your son to her indifference.

It is hard for brothers to understand that there are women who exist who are horrible moms and don’t have a lick of the nurturing gene that most women seem to possess.  Just like there are brothers out there that are better served to be bachelors forever — trust that there are sisters out there who need to always be on their own.  This is the type of sister that you are joined to because even her “ideal doctor brother” is not husband worthy.

What you need to do at this point is sure up what is really important — your son and your financial position so that you can go.  Love can only take a relationship so far and then you have to really look at whether or not you are pleased within a relationship and also whether or not there is any growth.  My guess is you have zeros in both columns.  Now is the time to lean on your family, friends and spiritual community to dissolve this long broken union and get you back on the right path.

– LaDawn

Hey Miss LaDawn,

I might a guy on one of the popular sites on the web. He wrote to me first addressing his interested to meet me in the future. I checked his profile as he may have checked mine. I we’ve been out on a couple of dates even though he lives two hours away from me. Now it’s September and we haven’t spoken in awhile until I found his number on my phone view list. I called this number thinking it was my girlfriend’s number but it was his. He was acting like everything was okay, like we were right where we left off. I asked him if he was playing games, or if he was seeing anyone else, he told me no and I am his baby girl.

LaDawn please help me solve this mystery of this man who seems to be perfect in everyway but there must be something that is holding our relationship back from being official.

Mona, Dover, DE

Sister:

I think I am going to get T-shirts with this statement on it, “If a man really wants you he will be where you are!”  I get these questions all the time from readers and listeners about the disappearing brother or the brother who never seems to have time for you.  The universal truth is that sometimes men change their minds and all of the attention early on in the relationship can go away if he has decided that you are not the woman for him.

Sisters do this disappearing act too.  Just think of the brothers who may not have gotten past one phone call or date with you and how even though they continued to reach out you never responded and you hoped that they would one day get the hint.  Don’t you think brothers do the exact same thing? So, stop chasing this brother.  He is simply being polite when you guys speak.  If he wanted to be with you, you would not be wondering if — you’d know.

– L